Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Hello God, this is Me!

I don't practice a specific religion; I find them all wonderful and they all seem to lead to You, God. The one thing I don't get is why I am having Cancer over and over again. Since I do believe in You and I do try to live a spiritual life, I just assumed that You would be watching out for me. When my father died of colon Cancer at the young age of 37, his name was Jim - remember him?, I was sure that You would take his pain and suffering as a "savings account" for me.

Therefore, from the age of five, I walked around pretty confident that I would never get Cancer. However, I was really wrong! My challenges started in 1991 and here it is 2007 and I have now gotten two different breast cancers, salivary cancer, and metastatic salivary cancer in my iliac bone. I have learned words that I never knew before in order to make my way through the trapazoid of the Hospital and its doctors. In case you forgot , the first time I had Cancer, I made seven consultations just to make sure that the doctor had gotten it right. You can never be too sure. I remember being asked "What would I like to do - have a mastectomy or a lumpectomy." My answer was "Neither, Thank You!"

Why was the doctor asking me? I was a Principal in the New York City school system. Ask how I think a school should attend to the safety, emotional and educational needs of the students, then I would have a great deal to say. But Mastectomy? Lumpectomy?

Well, yesterday, I finished a series of tests to determine what is causing the pain and swelling in my left hip. For the first time since 1991 I thought about dying. I wondered how much my body and mind could take. Friends have come and gone, unable to deal with a person with major health challenges. It appears You forgot to tell some people that they should help the less fortunate, not lecture them or give them pep talks about being brave and courageous. That comes with time and experience.

When the effects of the radiation started to impact on my mouth and speech, I lost a fluency of the English language that I loved. But You compensated me at birth with the gifts of sight and sound and I learned to write as I was growing up. I am discovering that I am not really cursed. or doomed. I have been booked on a journey, not of my choosing, that takes me places that most people will never go.

So, God, I bet You thought I was angry at You. NEVER! Well, I am not thrilled but I do know that I have been blessed by You with a life that has weeded out the faint of heart and that has given me the chance to offer help and support to others so that someone can help them on their cancer trip.

God bless us all, AMF

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Welcome to My World !

There is so much that I have learned since the first time I heard the words, "You have Cancer." It seemed as if I was being given a present instead of a diagnosis. The doctor was casual about the procedure and the treatment. I stood in his office hallway. Hallway, you may gasp! Yes, that is where I got the news in 1991. As I was struggling for my breath and about to pass out...I suggested that we go into his office. He threw at me words and surgical terms I had never heard of. My brain shut down as he said that the surgery would require the removal of my right breast. I objected to that, and what woman or man wouldn't and asked if there was another alternative. Finally, I realized that I should read Susan Loves's book about breasts and also make some appointments with other doctors for second opinions. I set up seven second opinions...I wanted to make sure that I left no door unopened. But it only took a visit to Memorial Sloan Kettering and to a wonderful doctor who actually thought that I should sit in an office and talk about this cancer thing. So there we sat and he explained what I had...he suggested that I write notes and then he asked me the most wonderful question, "Is there anything that I can do for you to help you through this?" It was then I knew that having cancer was going to be a journey of some kind, an opportunity to learn about myself and other people and to make decisions and choices that would be the best ones for me. Since that day I have had cancer four more times and I have been on a spiritual journey, learning about life, people and myself. I have felt alone sometimes. Only someone who has had cancer can truly understand how it effects us. I hope that my sharing now and in the future will help you as well as me. God bless us all............Amf