Thursday, December 27, 2007

Not everyone lives happily ever after...and that is fine!

Two weeks ago I heard from a friend of mine who I had met about thirty six years ago. When we started teaching, we sort of bonded at the hip. We both loved the children and teaching; we both loved laughing and playing bridge. And we definitely both loved life. We were twenty-eight and we thought that everything would play out the way it did in the best romantic movies --- "And they lived happily ever after." This belief was fully nurtured by the age of our students (seven years old) and the books we read to them that always had happy endings. Who were we as adults to question that our lives would be charmed like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty?

After my friend got married and had her first child, things started to change and I noticed that we were floating apart. She was very involved in her married life and in her roles as wife and mother. My life allowed me to have more freedom and time for myself. I tried to hold on tightly to this friendship and to this person who I loved as a sister but time, distance and circumstance kept separating us until we were no more. I didn't notice at the time that I was working very hard to keep the friendship alive while she was just being herself. One day her telephone calls just stopped. We would not see each other for the next twenty two years.

In 1995 as I was sitting in a cafe in Norwalk, Connecticut, I remembered that my friend had moved to this area. I asked the staff of the cafe for a telephone directory and started hopping from one location to another. Eventually I found her name in Westport, CT. I hesitated about calling her. Who would I find at the other end of the telephone? What did I expect? Eventually, I picked up a telephone and called her. She sounded just the way I remembered. An immediate connection was made and I jumped head first into the friendship.

For the past twelve years I have tried to be a part of her life. It didn't matter if she was a part of mine. I adjusted my life and appointments to fit her schedule. I was so honored that she still wanted to be friends with me. I can actually count the times we got together and believe me it was usually in CT. doing things she wanted. I traveled. I drove. I was interesting. I was involved with her life. And one day this Sleeping Beauty woke up. I was doing all the work and she was just living her life. .

I was notified by the doctor that I had metastatic cancer and I told my friend this. I didn't hear from her for the next six months and then...one day...my telephone rang. She said "Hello" and I almost didn't know who it was. This was a defining moment for me. Was I going to pick up where she left off? This time I opted out and I put my needs first.

Friendship is amorphous. But there has to be substance regardless of how often I see or talk to someone. For me I need to feel loved..and cared about. I do need some contact because with time we can all become strangers. First it was twenty two years... this time six months. I did not ask, "So, how have you been?" Instead I said some parting words and we parted. I felt a loss but also a gain. I found a way to put my needs first. I hope I can use this experiene to strengthen my own self worth. I DESERVE TO BE LOVED. God bless us all. AMF

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The Miracle Maker

Yesterday, December 10, 2007, I went for my follow-up visit to MSKCC pulmonary specialist. I had a CT Scan one week ago to determine if the nodules on my lungs had changed sinceSeptember, 2007. In medical vernacular, had grown. Unfortunately, the miracle I had hoped for had not occurred. Out of five nodules, two had grown from three millimeters to five millimeters.

When I asked the doctor what would happen next...we simultaneously answered, "Wait and see." In three months the CT scan would be done again and if any nodule had grown to eight millimeters, a biopsy could be done to see what was going on. This post is not about, "Do I have cancer or don't I?" It is about, "How will I make my miracle happen during the next three months?"

You see, when all of this started on September 11, 2007, I just thought that wanting a miracle was enough. I really didn't do much to cause or welcome one. Now I am ready. In re-thinking the past three months I know that I have changed some of the things I do and my emotional life is getting better. However, I have done little to improve my spiritual life.

I grow spiritually when I dance. I love to belly dance or just move to all types of music. I have even tried Hip-Hop, and I am not too bad. Dancing is so special to me because I leave my body and feel connected with the world as a whole. I feel a pulsation in my body and I believe that I can use this to connect with the Creator. I will use music to move my body and mind to a healthier place, taking along with it my spiritual self. I also love to listen to music and sing along and this joins me with the world of creation. A personal favorite is John Denver. His words and music are so moving to me. You might want to listen to him, sometimes to see if his music and lyrics speak to you.

I also will meditate. This will help me to stop ruminating, something I am working on in therapy, I really didn't know what ruminating was, but I was good at it! I was surprised to find out that I was using past hurtful events to entertain myself. I am going to move past all the negative things in my past and present life and focus on what is positive in my life NOW. This is what really matters. When I meditate I am calmer and more focused on what is good in my life. I am peaceful and prayerful - something I could use. A strong belief in someone or something will help me to open my soul and heart to God.

When I do these two things - dance and meditate for the purpose of healing myself physically, emotionally and spiritually I WILL HAVE made MY MIRACLE and then I will be one of the miracle makers who exist all around us. Haven't you ever felt the effects of these people - the feeling of peace, joy and calm just radiates from them?

The miracle I am seeking is not about the nodules disappearing or the nodules not being malignant - although that would be great. This miracle is about making my life better for myself each and every day I have. By doing this, I will impact on myself, others and the world. I will be creating a purposeful life and living the life I was put on the Earth to have. You see I really believe that all things happen the way they are suppose to happen. God bless us all! AMF

Friday, December 7, 2007

Susan and me and Mom made three...

I have never seen a photograph of my family together - my mother, my father, my sister and me! I never even thought to wonder why. I saw photos of my Mom and my Dad or my Mom and my sister Susan and an endless number of combinations but never the four of us together!

My heart has always felt the pain of being a family of three, not four.
My friends thought that they knew what my tears on Father's Day meant
Cry for the father I barely knew, cry for the emptiness that I always felt
No, I cried my mother who did not know how to make a family of three.

All his pictures were removed, no clothing, jewelry, nothing of his remained
To remind us of the man who once had made us four, my Dad!
Then there were Susan and me and Mom and that made three
Why no photos to show my family? One, two, three, four.

I looked at photos of each of us and yearned for something different
With scissors, papers, glue and a picture frame I bought
I cut each one of us out of photos that I loved
And placed us together in the frame the way I had seen us in my mind

It took some time for the pieces I made to fit together
I now have the picture frame with my family of four
Placed on my dresser for me to view each day
As I pass the "photo of four" I sometimes stop...

I place a kiss on the glass and feel complete... finally. God bless us all! AMF

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

I Believe In Santa Claus...

Every year when December comes around, I gasp. Do I really have to buy all these gifts for people who have so much? How will I pay the bills when they come in? Is this what Santa Claus meant when he said, "HO, HO, HO"?

This year I tried to close my eyes and remember what the most important thing about the holidays was to me when I was a child. And to my surprise I found out that as a child I was most excited about Santa Claus coming to my apartment. It sort of felt magical- such a big round man getting into my apartment where there was no chimney. I had to suspend reality and believe in magic. I always left him cookies and milk. He wasn't very demanding. I did want presents under my tree...but Santa Claus' visit was the highlight of the holidays for me.

So, this year I have decided to give away things, wonderful things I love, as gifts to people I don't know and a few to friends. I will wrap the gifts and the card will say, "LOVE, Santa Claus". I went through my closet, jewelry box, and drawers and found many great things I haven't worn or used for some time. Why hold on to what I don't need? Everything is in great condition and looks almost new. In some cases the items are new. Consumption at its worst...I never used what I purchased.

Yesterday I went around my apartment building and wherever someone indicated that they celebrated Christmas, I left them a gift. Some got door knob bells; others got decorations added to their wreathes. You may feel this could be intrusive, but remember - the power of magic and surprise. And each person is free to remove their special gift. And for residents who celebrate other holidays, I left cookies, and books. Don't you just wonder what they thought when they got their present?

I feel more childlike and happy helping Santa Claus! Hopefully, people will feel the intense emotions that exist only in childhood when very little is questioned and a lot is enjoyed. I do hope that they were able to get in touch with these emotions. For the first time in years I feel giddy and excited. I am wondering what I will do next. Ho, Ho, Ho! Enjoy the holiday season. God bless us all. AMF