Cancer a spiritual journey

Landslide over me...

2011-05-18T16:14:00.000-07:00

I have an I-Pad and I am exploring it. So, one aspect is purchasing my favorite music and songs and creating a concert for me. One song done by Stevie Nicks....Landslide...got inside of me. I hum the tune as I am learning the words.

I do feel that I was standing tall, just about coping with all the aspects of having a chronic illness. I could feel the sun; I could see the birds and hear them chirping. I laughed and I could create laughter. I had people around me. People who wanted to be with me and do things with me. Life had its problems but it seemed that I was able to cope.

Then there was a LANDSLIDE of health problems and they poured all over me and slowly I sunk beneath the earth. I was deaf to sounds. Laughter was now a stranger. People looked so distant, afraid to ask, "How are you doing?" I am an emotional person and the answer would have been emotional and teary. During that time of the Landslide my left hip fractured. I developed an major, life threatening infection in my mouth. I was in the hospital three times. I lost the ability to eat food through my mouth because the infection created a fistula and , and , This is the hardest part....day by day I slowly lost my ability to speak clearly.

This limited so much of my life......no more telephone calls to friends in Brazil. No more chats with friends, talking about nothing but laughing about everything. I am under the landslide. I have no thoughts of crawling out and that is because for the first time in my life I do not have me to take care of myself. Without speech, I am deaf to life and unable to call out for help. I am unable to do so much for myself. I have to ask people to make telephone calls for me...and not everyone is happy about being someone's puppet.

This landslide holds me down. I built my life around things that were comfortable and familiar and now without them, this landslide holds me down.
God bless us all. AMF

Six Seconds...

2011-05-15T19:22:00.000-07:00

Six seconds...in that time two young Marines were killed ; however, their courage and bravery saved their fellow Marines from being blown up by terrorists. During those six seconds don't you wonder if they had any thoughts? Were they action driven? Did someone guide their hands with the guns and help them blow up the terrorists' truck?

You might be wondering why I am writing about Marines on this blog. It is the six seconds that got to me. Look what two people can accomplish in six seconds - these Marines saved over twenty soldiers, twenty men and women from death. And at the same time during those six seconds a truckload of terrorists were blown up and our defending Marines die a Hero's Death. I am not someone who supports war, death, killing but rather I am commenting on the two marines and their last six seconds of precious life.

Six seconds ...what have I been doing with all my six seconds. I do not think that I have done anything as monumental as the young Marines. I have slowly been bouncing back and forth and back and forth from a series of health crisis starting in October 2009 and continuting up until now. What I am left with is a healed hip, but I am still in Physical Rehab. A fistula (hole) on my neck that makes it impossible for me to eat or drink and a food tube which is the substitue. And my facility with language is almost gone because an infection destroyed my mouth. That's the one that blows me up! I have so many words in my head, so many unspoken stories and unasked questions, so many jokes.

I got a I-Pad from Santa and it has a program on it called "Speak-It" and I use the keyboard and the program provides me with a selection of voices...I choice "Heather" and whatever I write is spoken. I am practicing for the day, if it comes , when I cannot talk. That will be my first six seconds. I will have to act bravely as I pick up my I-Pad and start to use it because I have to. The first six seconds when the I-Pad is a necessity.

I spend a lot of time trying to figure out where all my close friends have gone...In six seconds I did...I didn't like the reality but here it is: "They are living their own lives and being there for me when they want to be." I wonder if anyone but me really knows what each day feels like. I hear myself saying that if I could help someone who had all these problems I would....I would find out what they needed and in my six seconds I would do a great deed...help someone I care about.

Six seconds, such a short amount of time, but time during which a Marine unit was saved and time that I can use to help myself and time others can use to help me. 6-5-4-3-2-1 Six seconds.

I will be writing more frequently and I am glad I did this writing tonight....it is a start. Remember to do things because they make you feel good. Smile and laugh at least once a day. AMF

Sleep Living

2010-01-28T18:09:00.001-08:00

We have all heard of the terms: sleepwalking, living in your own world, being out of it, out there on your own. Well, yesterday, I heard the words "sleep living" in my mind! I felt I was telling myself something and I needed to grab onto these two words and then figure out what they meant to me. So right now, with you and my computer...I will find out.

As I write, I am hoping that the meaning of sleep living will become clear to me. I have had to alter my life since October, 2009 in order to fit in all the medical routines, appointments, and pill taking that are required in order for me to heal. What has worried me is that not one of my wonderful doctors has guaranteed that my mouth will heal and that I will be able to speak better and eat food and drink liquids. What do I do with this ambiguity...I sleep live.

I wake up in the morning, after going to bed very late. Therefore, I guarantee that I am tired and eventually as the week moves on from Monday to Sunday, I am exhausted. In this state of tiredness I live. I take my pills, use the food tube, go to doctors appointments, write, and exist. At this level of functioning I am alert; however, what I have done is I have distanced myself from life by popping in and out of tiredness. Are you following me? I function well. I pay my bills, write to people, handle business matters - all items that are not a threat to me.

Because I haven't wanted to be fully awake to what has been physically happening to me, I have kept myself just awake enough and tired enough to function. Nothing is too bad or too good. Things are just what they are. But let's look at what I have sacrificed!

I do not feel the vitality of life that I so love. My laughter is infrequent and often muffled. I choose to be alone because it takes less effort. And I have to push myself to do things. But since I have uncovered the concept of "sleep living" I can do away with it.

All I need to do is fully look at what is happening to me and just let it be. My therapist frequently tells me I ruminate...of course I debate this with her...you see my form of rumination is sneaky, I think about my illness under the guise of planning what I need to do.

However, to break the hold that sleep living has on me, tonight I am going to bed at 11PM and waking at 8AM. When I wake up I am going to kiss my partner and cats "Good Morning", say a few prayers, listen to Joshua Bell and then jump into the shower and wash away all the pain, doubt and sleepiness.

Tomorrow, I will let you know if I awake from "Sleep Living" and find a more alive me.

God Bless all our efforts...do something kind to someone you do not know. It's fun. Yesterday I gave a bakery worker a tip for being kind to me and attempting to understand me as I ordered. The money was nice but I could see on the young man's face that what touched him most was that I appreciated his actions and sweetness..........................amf

Lost and Found

2010-01-25T18:19:00.000-08:00

I have been so lost for three months... I have been caught up in a world filled with doctors and more doctors, hospitals and needles, injections and medicine, diagnosis and prognosis. All creating a world of emotional turmoil and tears. I have been lost but now I am found.

Starting in October, 2009 , I have been in a position of learning about the health care system from the inside. I have been hospitalized twice; I am participating in a Protocol Stage I treatment for cancer; I have almost weekly appointments with doctors. I am now on a food tube and cannot eat or drink through my mouth because I have a determined infection; and on October 31, 2009, yes, on Halloween, I fractured my hip as I was walking...just walking. I have been on crutches since then...and will move on to a cane in March.

Throughout all of this I have seen the best in so many people. I have had the best nurses at MSKCC in NY. I have doctors now who care for me - me the person, me the human being. I fired a doctor. Does that amaze you? Well, everyone told me that I cannot fire a doctor since I am not his boss. But my logic was I fired him by throwing him off my health team and getting another doctor to take me on as his patient. If I am to survive I need the best and the kindest medical people taking care of me and now I can proudly say that my new medical team is made up of those people. Remember always that we are entitled to be treated skillfully and kindly!

I have found my friends interesting during this period...they came in close when they could and retreated when their own lives and fears demanded that they do this. My therapist, what a wonderful person and I love her dearly, kept me sane and moving forward, step by step. When I tripped and fell she reached out to me and helped me up with her words so that I could continue my journey.

She told me that sometimes people have to back away when people are sick. I had a hard time accepting that and I kept saying over and over again, "I just don't get it. I just don't get it." It was like a litany for me. I cried...I screamed...I begged... My therapist wrote to me on the computer and called me since I was not able to make my sessions. After asking her why my friends had all seemed to disappear I finally got bored with the question and since I trust her, I decided to accept what she had said and I moved off that question and moved on! It had been holding me back. She encouraged me to do things and to try to find ways to be happy and as hard as it was I did find those things ...slowly at first, but eventually they started to fall into my life.

My partner almost melted from the heat at home. My partner tried her best but had so much pressure placed on her by the situation and by me. I couldn't cope alone and I felt I was sinking fast...Too many things happening so quickly. I had a major infection in my mouth that required me to be hospitalized for 12 days; I needed to use a food tube and not eat; I had to infuse myself through a mediport with antibiotics; I fractured my hip; I couldn't drive; I went back into the hospital with a serious blood infection and almost died. There is so much more but to save your sanity and mine I will end the list here.

I had to update you on where I have been and why I hadn't been writing...but I also want you to know that during the last three months I had great moments.

I had joined Soldier's Angels in 2008 and I wrote to three soldiers stationed in Iraq and Afghanistan and sent packages. Giving to them kept me sane and helped to give my life a purpose. I also got involved with sending post cards and holiday cards to our soldiers. I sent packages to the wounded and I wrote to the President Obama about getting our men and women home. Involving myself in other causes gave my life a purpose and got me to stop, even if it were for a while, thinking about me and my health problems.

I am glad to be back and I have so much to tell you about and so many things to share with you.

Mariposa, mariposa you live your life with such abandon, knowing no fear
Mariposa, mariposa small at birth but large,colorful wings do appear
You enter our lives, as we watch you fly
You move from flower to flower, our eyes follow as you go by

Mariposa, mariposa make room for me
Teach me the gifts of nature that are yours by birth
Show me how to accept without fear what my life cycle is!
Mariposa, mariposa land on my hand, gentle one, I hold you safely.

I write about butterflies because I feel some kind of connection with them. Once when I was volunteering at MSKCC I was asked to speak to a man of 41 years of age who had terminal cancer. He could not speak but he could write and then I answered him. After asking me a few questions, he wrote: "I am afraid to die." Please accept this as truth... I paused before I responded and during that pause I saw butterflies flying around both of us. So my answer to him was that all things have a natural life cycle and just like butterflies we are born, we live and then our life cycle ends. He felt comforted by that and he put his head in my arms and sobbed and wrote: " I know what you mean." There is no answer to why some of us live longer than others. There are no words that can explain why someone is going to die. Some of us have faith and hope. Others believe what they do... I just believe in the butterfly and that I will die when I have learned all that I was sent to learn and I hopefully will be content.

God bless you all! AMF

Tears from th sky....9/11/2001

2009-09-11T08:16:00.000-07:00

Where have I been since April 2009? Working on health problems and hearing new diagnosis. I have spent time whirling around as I attempted to absorb the information I heard. I have met new doctors in the attempt to stop the spread of the cancer that seems to have an affinity for my body.

But today I am again sitting here watching the television as the 9/11 Memorial Service in NYC plays out. The names are being read and I hear them and occasionally I look up and see faces and ages and I realize that since 2001 I have lived and continue to live...while over three thousand strangers who are now friends in my heart and prayers are gone. How lucky I am to be alive!

To you my brave and courageous friends
Who lost your lives that one, bleak day
When America lost its innocence
And you lost your lives.

Some of you rushed in to help others
Wanting them to live and to survive
Some of you called home to say, "Goodbye and I love you."
And most of you lost your lives and we miss you all!

Today it is raining...tears from the sky
Tears that we all shed each year
As 9/11 comes around

Tears from the sky
There is no way to say goodbye.

We have tried to rebuild what once was
Buildings, lives, families
Small children have now grown
Husbands and wives hold you in their hearts
Families and friends tell stories about you.

So many lives lost
So many tears still fall from the eyes
Of family, friends and strangers alike
So many years have passed
And you are all remembered

God bless you all
God bless America
You are all at peace now
But I wish you had lived

Tears from the sky
Tears from our eyes

I took a pause to write the words above because I have no right to complain really...I am alive! Peace to all..........God bless our country, our military, President Obama.

I encourage all of you who read this to volunteer...Soldiers Angels. It is a group of volunteers who adopt military personnel who are stationed far from home in the war zones. I have adopted four soldiers and I write to them frequently and send packages once a month. Each one has said in his/her own way that it is a surprise that we at home care about them enough to write. This soldiers are serving in Iraq and Afghanistan. They are often so young and could use our help and support and I must admit I get soooooooooooooo much from my contact that I believe I am the one who receives the gift! AMF

Drafting and Drifting..

2009-04-27T21:15:00.000-07:00

I started this article sometime after the election; so where have I been all those months? Drafting articles, going to doctors, and hearing news about my status as a Survivor of Cancer. Well, since December, 2008 I have heard that I have cancer in my lungs, in my mouth and now in my kidneys. From each of these bangs...I went further into myself and you know what I found- a very small, lonely child. And now the article is edited and here it is, a few months late...what is late anyway? I hope you enjoy my thoughts and can feel my spirit!

The election is over! I am so thrilled that our President-Elect is Barack Obama. If this happiness and joy were the medicines that could cure, then I would be cancer free. Maybe if I start to accept that everything that feels good emotionally will help me to feel good physically, magic will happen. Wow, what a clear way to figure things out. Nothing complicated. If it doesn't feel good: it will add to the confusion of the cells in my body...so walk away.

So...why don't I walk away? I always have a good reason and it never is really my own reason. It is what I was taught and what I have come to expect from others. It is all the little things I decide or believe I should do to make someone happy or make the world a better place to live in. No, seriously, I donated more money to Obama's campaign than six of my friends did. And I have less money. So why add more pressure to my life? Why, did I do that? I donated money because that is what a good citizen does.

It was only when Obama's commercials and political ads came on the Internet; when I saw and heard him speak, debate or just be interviewed, I just couldn't help myself...no I didn't want to stop believing that something good, something great could happen in my lifetime and I could be a part of it. This was a period of time that hard issues were happening in my life medically and emotionally, and I was hardly rocked . I could utilize my many moments of happiness and joy about a man I did not know but trusted a great deal I was so happy and excited about President -elect Obama... that I felt so healthy and so hopeful that my body was calling out "Healing Words". I felt that the joy I felt had a healing effect.

As I spent time involved in the election and in the results, I realized that I had not thought about having Cancer once. Occupying myself with things that are life enhancing, actually gives me a lift. I am trying to accept that I was put on this earth for a reason and the reason is to be joyful and happy. I have gathered a few new people around me who support this way of thinking and I can tell you that it is easier when you know you are not alone.

I have two doctors who support the medical practices of both the East and the West. And since this has always been part of my belief system I have gained a great deal of knowledge about myself. I found out in one session that I have learned to function at a high level of stress all the time...so I never really feel stressed, even when I am. When I finally feel the stress I am really in a desperate emotional state. Imagine what this, year after year, has done to my spirits, emotions and body. So I am learning ways to reduce my stress before I am over-stressed which could impact my immune system, which could...., which could.... Got to go! god bless you all. Me

I found myself crying and the words, "Raining Tears" came into my mind. I am sure that they are probably words from a song or poem...but right now they are mine to use.

RAINING TEARS

Raining Tears as I search to find my way, confused and confounded,
Through the pathways I must wander.
I try to make sense of this journey I am on
As I use life's lessons which I know will heal my soul.
And then I see the yellow daffodils that I planted.

Chiquitita

2009-01-09T10:37:00.000-08:00

I am not fluent in Spanish but I just understood a part of myself from the word, Chiquitita. I feel so much like a small baby chicken...slowing and blindly moving around...looking for a way to survive. I recently got two more unpopular reports about my chronic health problem -Cancer. More unpopular - because the reports were not good but they were not horrible. I just don't want to accept them. Cheep, cheep, cheep

Feeling like a little chick gives me the opportunity to shut off most of my human emotions and just keep my head to the ground looking for survival seeds. Chickens don't share, don't care, don't laugh and don't cry. The "don't list" is endless. And I can escape from my reality for a while. Sometimes when I get overloaded and overburdened I look for a way to empty my mind...being a chick might be it!

Chiquitita .....the title of a song from "Mam ma Mia". I truly suggest that you buy the DVD movie that offers the option of singing along with the movie or singing after the movie is over. I can tell you it broke through my down trodden manner and cheered me up. Music can do that! Basically what appeals to me is that inside each of us is that small child who still has needs. "Chiquitita, tell me what's wrong." I have always wanted someone to ask me that and now with all the constant medical diagnosis..........I do need to tell someone what is wrong. God bless our new President and his family. amf

So much more to life...during Chemotherapy!

2008-10-23T16:33:00.000-07:00

Chemotherapy can leave us with many different feelings -- what to do ? what to do? Depending on how each of us feels it is important that on the "Good" days, we grab the time to do things that make us feel good. I love massages and acupuncture. I set up appointments for massages, facials, and acupuncture sessions. I even had a manicure and a pedicure. I frequently went to Bloomingdales and went to the MAC counter and had the technician help me with makeup ---I lined my eyes, used color to pop my eyes, got make-up, blush and lipstick and the result was startling.

Although I tended to wear black and grey, I used my head scarves to bring color to my wardrobe. Remember, this is what I did when I felt "Good". Those days usually came at the end of the treatment period....right before I was scheduled to get my next chemo treatment. So, just as I was feeling and looking good...that time was here. But I was ready for the good days that would happen in about five days..

I found that the chemo cycles went like this: chemo......sick.......start to feel better.....feel good....next treatment and then the chemo cycle started again. With each chemo session the time of illness grew and the time of feeling good got reduced. But I want to remind all of us...there are options to feeling miserable and your arsenal of positive actions should be ready. Write a list of what you will do because believe me...you won't remember what to do as you are leaning into the toilet bowl. By the way, use a basin when you are nauseous and not the toilet bowl. Why you may ask...The reason is we deserve better.

Keep a record of the things you can do when you feel good. Have everything ready. Have a plans for when you are feeling sick..........remember eat white food! and stock up on ginger ale or cola. Find what makes you feel better and have it all ready. Arrange where you will sleep or sit...plan how each day will go and then using all your God given strength....move on. The day you finish your treatment............sleep and rent movies for the times you are awake. And don't move your head too much. You and I both know that what I have written does not apply to everyone...but what I am trying to tell you is BE PREPARED!
"You are a child of god and a special person."Course in Miracles." amf

I have always fought being called a CANCER SURVIVOR. So many of my friends

Chemotherapy - so much to learn!

2008-10-01T20:19:00.000-07:00

Don't start chemo therapy until you know what is going to happen to you, both physically and emotionally. Even if you have already started chemo...something I write might help you.

I had six months of chemo in 2004 for breast cancer and I now realize how I should have prepared myself. I found out what was going to happen as it happened and I had to keep adjusting myself. I hope my suggestions will help all of us remember that as the patient we need to feel empowered and we must insure that we always know what is happening and that we always have the right of "first refusal". We can say, "No, thank you." as well as "Yes, I like the plan we worked out for me."

We are not responsible for the fears of our family and friends. This might sound unfeeling but I am only encouraging us to remember that the needs and wants of the patient have to come first. All to often some cancer patients do things or have treatments before they are ready and comfortable with what is happening. Sometimes it is at the urging of family and/or friends and sometimes it is the doctor. No one will ever convince me that a week or month's delay in surgery or treatment will really alter how long I will live or how effective the surgery and/or the treatment will be. Well, maybe never...

Therefore,
from my heart to yours
--- I encourage you to stop and breathe! Cancer is what it is and you and I will just have to make decisions that seem to be beyond our abilities. But if we have a system for surviving all that faces us we will feel more powerful and believe me there is real joy in getting the medical profession to stop and listen. I have made it happen on many occasions and I take great pride in these victories.

First, purchase a notebook that you feel comfortable with and two or three pens.This notebook will be your constant companion whenever you have any appointments with any one who is involved with your health care. You should write down the purpose of the visit, any comments or decisions and the names of ALL drugs that enter your body. Know the names of the chemicals that you are choosing, what they are suppose to do and any and all side effects. For every side effect there is a PILL. I say this from experience... the experience I had each and every time I said: I am nauseous. There must be something you can do." Never ask the doctors, " Can You Help Me?" , assume that they can and you know despite their best efforts not to help....they do. Only kidding some of my BEST DOCTORS are doctors.Before I make any decisions about my care I need to understand what will happen. Therefore, I will write some notes and ask some questions
Don't be surprised if you are asked: "What do you want to do?" When the oncologist told me what chemicals would be in my "cocktail" and that I could have a choice of chemicals. I looked at her as if she were crazy!!!!! I had been an elementary school principal, so if she had asked me what procedures I wanted to follow during a fire drill, I was prepared. But how should I know what chemo therapy I should use. My brain had already stopped functioning back when I was told that I had breast cancer. and I could barely hang on...now I was expected to be an oncologist who planned my therapy treatment plan.

Well, if the medical profession wanted me to play doctor then I would. So I had two conferences with my oncologist, wrote down the planned chemo and the alternatives that were not being used. Determined why certain choices had been made. QUESTION....QUESTION....QUESTION.....AND YOUR LAST AND MOST POIGNANT QUESTION SHOULD BE: "TAKING INTO ACCOUNT MY PROFILE AND PATHOLOGY REPORTS, IF I WERE YOUR SISTER WHAT WOULD YOU TELL ME WAS THE BEST PATH TO FOLLOW AND WHY." Resist the temptation to speak....the silence will get very loud but eventually the doctor will speak. Listen closely to what is said and keep using the "sister" word. It seems to create a more personal relationship instantly.

Eventually, you will have made the decision to have chemo or not to have it. If you choice not to....God Bless You and Let's Keep in Touch and I wish you great joy and peace. Don't look back and never second guess yourself. If you decided to have chemo recognize that the decision you made was very hard and admire yourself for taking the action you took. Chemo is a strange things. No one who has had it, in my world, has every had the same emotional or physical feelings.Try listing your symptoms in the order of prominence and then select the path of action............You can call and see the oncologist and ask for remedies. Remember for every physical symptom like nausea this is a pill. If the first pill doesn't work,,,,keep giving feedback to the doctor. Be aware of the changes, if any, the pill has caused and tell the doctor. Leave with a new prescription, held proudly in your hand.

You slowly work your way down the list and by the time you are at the bottom of your first list, there might be a second....but it does help time to pass as you move through chemo...doing your best to manage your treatment and live your life. Remember this is why we do take chemo.

One of the most frequent complaint about chemo - after losing hair, is how we feel physically. In talking with soooooooo many women who had chemo here are some of what I see as some great remedies for nausea, roller coaster feeling, feet touching the ceiling, chairs spinning and lifting off the floor, and food, oh, food, actually looking like the vomit that eating will cause...
Saltine crackers, tea with honey, ginger ale, oatmeal, farina, and all white foods like white rice, white potatoes, white cheeses, cottage cheese, white bread. I wondered why about this "White Model" and I think that because the color white is so blah we don't think "food" ane we eat.

There will be more to come...but I am off to a Spa with my sister just to be with nature.I hope what I write helps someone...it helps me. You see I am blessed with a person in my life who encouraged me to write. I may never be famous, but I am a person capable of writing what I feel and sharing it, hopefully, in a way that helps those of you who read my blog. By the way...thank you for reading my thoughts.

Will write when I get Back. God bless the election of 2008. AMF

Living and Dying are intimate friends...

2008-09-05T16:47:00.000-07:00

The words in my title were written by John Denver. I was driving my car and listening to John Denver's music. I was focusing on his lyrics and even though I had heard the song before, this was the first time I heard, "Living and Dying are intimate friends". I felt tears streaming down my face and I realized I needed to pull off the road.

Living,dying....two words that I just never saw as friends but for the first time I felt some comfort. With my newest cancer diagnosis I felt that it was important that I feel positive about the prognosis. However, fear entered my emotions, body and spirit and I could not soothe myself or feel calm. The doctor had said that right now there would be no treatment and that he would see me in a year if nothing changed. My heart ached as I heard his words...I just knew too much about Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma (ACC), the orphan cancer. It is rare and because of this, it is not studied much. There is no cure just treatments ...chemotherapy. I would only have chemo if symptoms existed. Right now, I am symptom free!

Living and dying are intimate friends...these words circled round my mind and body. What did John Denver mean when he described these words as intimate friends? Did he ever imagine for a moment how they would touch me? I knew for the first time that if I looked at my birth, my life and my death as three intimate friends... I would not be afraid.

When I was born, I was just born. I didn't worry about the nine months I spent in my mother's womb or the birth process or would I be a boy or a girl. As I have been living my life, I have spent a great deal of time concerning myself with the wrong things and missing out on so much time! There have been times when I have been anxious and afraid to do something or face a problem. Other times I worried about what might happen if...

With time, experience and training, I have gotten use to the bumps of life. I plan on continuing work on my life and my use of each day. I will also continue seeking peace and living a life where I do things that make an impact on the world.

Recently I have seen the presence of death and its color is neither somber nor black. I am reaching out for dying in terms of attempting to understand it so that it becomes "an intimate friend". I am realizing that death may not be a fearful process but just a component of being a human being. As I was born and as I live, I will die.

And it may be the most exciting human experience ever! So many die and so many live. We can only accept what will be....Let's enjoy each moment! God bless all the soldiers. AMF

Can anyone see me?

2008-06-17T13:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Anyone:

I was born to a father who could see me as his child , his baby girl, his delight. I was born to a mother who was blind to my needs, my five little fingers, my five little toes, my sparkly eyes, my winsome smile. Unfortunately for me, my father died when I still had not internalized who I was and what I had to offer the world.

So, after my father's death, all my life lessons were taught to me primarily by my mother - who could not see the world clearly. I learned to be blind to who I was also! Looking into a mirror to see what I looked like, I saw who my mother saw. My intelligence, my sense of humor, so much of me had already been written for me by my mother, the author of my childhood emotions, opinions, issues, and self-worth.

My heart cries out for someone to see me; someone to touch the person I am! I want someone to acknowledge that I am so much more than I was told and had come to believe. The reality is that I will not find that someone, that anyone - until I see for myself the person I have become.

At age sixty-five, I have the chance to define myself. I do not need anyone to confirm my beliefs about myself. It is easier now because of my age and the fact that my world belongs to me. I am not watching a time clock. Nor am I raising children or establishing a professional life. I have been blessed by knowing people who really have loved me as I am and that fact gives me the courage to open another chapter in my life and find what has been buried deep. I have been hesitant to introduce the real me to the world. Wish me luck on this new journey. I will let you know who I find. Can anyone see me?

Yes, I, the holder of your soul, spirit and emotions, can see you clearly. Come join me and I will tell you all!
Peace In the World. AMF

I will miss you every Sunday morning...

2008-06-14T15:05:00.000-07:00

You knew some of us better than others! But we all knew you. We saw you with different eyes, with different professional and personal lives, with different knowledge bases, with different hearts and spirits. Some of us were members of your family, some were friends and some were admirers. You probably were not a stranger to anyone. And if you were, it was truly a lose for that person.

I found you every Sunday morning in my home. With a touch on my remote control your face appeared before me and for a time we were together. I was taken on a journey where you as the guide helped me to unpack my intelligence and knowledge. My brain opened so that I could unlock my thoughts as I listened to your questions and the answers your guests gave. Moment after moment I travelled with you to different parts of the world as you encouraged the dialogues. I watched the twinkle in your eyes each time you caught your "mouse" and the intensity was there too when you questioned someone about issues that impacted on our humanity and on our freedoms and political systems.

I wish I had known you enough to have given you a hug. Yesterday, you died and you left a vacancy that no one can fill. For once I have found someone who is irreplaceable. I have been mourning today. I move differently and speak softly not wanting to disturb the silence. I need to hold onto you for as long as I can. Goodbye, dear friend. Goodbye, Tim Russert. Peace AMF

Where did my beauty go?

2008-04-22T04:49:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I have walked into a room and heads turned in awe. To be perfectly honest...that never happened to me. Although I never thought of myself as a beautiful, pretty or attractive woman, I was told by both men and women that I was attractive. . Somehow, I took that as a compliment and added it to my "they think I am acceptable" bag. However, I knew that it was the clothes that I had picked out, paid a great deal of money for and wore proudly, that made me acceptable to the general population. Now...I know the truth. It was my age. The younger I was the better looking I seemed to be to everyone.

Now, at sixty-five, I wear my clothes with an mature air of sophistication; however, no one notices but me. A very wise woman told me that this happens as a woman gets older. I don't remember hearing this before or maybe I didn't want to believe it. So in one day I did a study. I changed my outfits five times. Wore Mac makeup, applied as I had been shown by the Mac representative and really put a great deal of effort into looking "attractive". But no one noticed and I was invisible even to my partner. But I knew I was here. What to do? What to do? Was I really too old to be beautiful, pretty or attractive?

What had happened was that I bought the hype about a woman's beauty. And now I am returning it for a full refund. I thought that no one noticed me because of the surgery I had for salivary cancer that left my face with an odd shape and an indentation on the left side of my neck. After the surgery, when I looked into the mirror...looking back at me was a stranger. I cried and screamed and begged for my own face back. Everyone assured me that I looked different but fine. That word "fine"...watch out for it! It is a non-committal word meaning "I don't want to tell you the truth".

I no longer had the face that I had taken for granted and what I had was not what I wanted. It took me years to get use to the stranger in the mirror and I blamed myself for the lack of compliments coming my way. I hid myself with clothes that were styled in the Eileen Fisher mode... they hid my body but made me look modern and stylish. I wore big glasses and covered a great deal of my face with a haircut that tended to move forward. I was afraid to go to Sephora for a make-up consultation for fear of the reaction. One day I did go and the result was a great deal of sympathy and an attempt to cosmetically hide what couldn't be hidden...the physical changes to my face.

Today, and I really mean today, I have decided that I had it all wrong. I was allowing the fashion world and the entertainment industry to tell me what is acceptable and what is not. I had cancer five times. I am sixty-five. I was a principal. I am a good friend. I like to read, laugh, dance, do yoga and be kind to animals. I care about the world. I support Senator Obama. I do random acts of kindness. I use shopping bags to support the "Green" movement. I support the ASPCA and Move-On. I donate money to Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. I have a spiritual life. I like to learn. And I trust the world will someday be at peace and accept all of us. Now, this is real beauty as defined by me.

When I looked in the mirror today, I looked into my eyes and I gently told myself what I wanted to hear...you are beautiful and you are a child of God. Be proud of who you are....AMF

The Secret........or is it?

2008-04-08T13:09:00.000-07:00

My sister mentioned the book THE SECRET to me. So, off I went to the bookstore and I picked up two copies of it, one for each of us. My sister and I were going on "OUR SISTER TRIP" to a spa where we would be nurtured. We had been there twice before, but this time it was really important for me to get the most for myself. I was having a lung biopsy withing six days and I wanted to feel prepared. I thought that my sister and I could read the book and dialogue with each other about its contents. And that is what we did!

I found that the secret was already known to me but I had ignored it for so long. The secret is simple...what you think about you invite to enter your life, the law of attraction. You see when I am unhappy, I am unhappy. I nurture that unhappiness; I talk to friends about it; I seem to water it until it flowers into a big weed. The more I talk and talk about what is wrong in my life, the more things go wrong in my life. THE LAW OF ATTRACTION.

That has been true since I was a child. That was my mother's milk - she fed me with stories of loss, pain and grief. I never really knew how to free myself of this habit. I carried it with me all my life thinking - believing everyone lived this way. Yes, there were the wise ones who encouraged me to be happy, and to let go of my unhappiness. I just didn't get it...I didn't know what they were talking about or how I would do it. Until now...

The contents in the book THE SECRET were not a surprise to me. Over a twenty year span I had read or heard the messages before but this time something was different. I wanted to stop the pain, I wanted to be happy. So, I started slowly and this is what I did: I made a verbal decision to my sister that I wanted to be happy. I created a visual diagram of how to do it - thought, feeling, action, joy.

I started to closely monitor what I was thinking. Remembering that what I think invites more of the same. I checked my feelings. If I felt good. Great. If I felt badly - I went into action. I had a choice of actions - singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" or "Sunshine On My Shoulders". Or I danced. I took an action that made me feel great and positively overshadowed the negative feeling that was caused by the negative thought. Within seconds I stopped the pain or unhappiness. And what I felt was new to me I HAD CREATED HAPPINESS AND JOY FOR MYSELF.

I didn't wait for a miracle or for someone else to make me happy. I am now home from the spa and I am being tested. I monitor what I am thinking and if something happens to me that causes me to have an unhappy feeling or to be angry, agitated, miserable (you have the idea) I go into action : thoughts monitored, feelings monitored, positive action taken immediately and back to feeling good.

So if someday you see a woman singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" or some other happy song...or dancing down the street...you will know it is me! Happiness and Joy to all of us! AMF

Music and Lyrics

2008-03-22T07:46:00.000-07:00

Today did not have a remarkable beginning. My eyes just popped opened at around 6:00 AM. It wasn't my plan to get up so early, but I could not fight my body's desire to accomplish something. I have had the flu for over two weeks, and I haven't gone out of the apartment in days. So, today I was off to the bagel shop and then to the supermarket and then back home. Hopefully, on the journey I would get a chance to breathe in the air and feel the brightness of the sun. It was important that I get home on time because...

On a public television network there was a special on John Denver, so I was looking forward to watching a John Denver Concert. As I waited I thought about how much I loved John Denver's music and I wondered what he had been like. I saw him in concert once, and I felt such a connection with his poetry, lyrics and music. I never knew why I wanted to cry when I heard his music. I just thought that it was "me" being overly-emotional. Unfortunately...

The television show was interspersed with pleas for money...it sort of changed my desire to experience John Denver, uninterrupted. So, I left my apartment and got into my car and turned on the CD player ---where I have five John Denver discs. Here, I would listen to the music alone and without interruption. A few minutes into one of Denver's song, I got that old feeling. It went so far into my body's core. I started to cry and then for the first time I wondered why. Denver's music made me feel that he was singing to me. That his words had been written with me in mind. But, most astoundingly, John Denver's words made me feel loved. I felt that I was special and the song and music made me feel that I had the right to be loved. It had been so long since I felt loved but...

John Denver's music and lyrics have a way of letting us know that we are not alone in anything we do. His words describe journeys we have all been on. The scenery might be different but the experience feels the same. He tells about love, passion and lost love. And somehow we all understand those experiences. Although I have never skied in Aspen, Colorado, when John Denver sings about it, I know I have been there - cutting in and out and jumping moguls with a courage I never knew I had. His mournfulness, his love, his truthful words and his passion about nature reach out to us. He knew pain and suffering and he still wished to "soar like an eagle". The emotional pain that I was feeling about my flu and cancer seemed to get overpowered by John Denver's music and lyrics and sort of dissolved. Therefore...

I invite you to have a wonderful experience - get some John Denver CDs and sit back and enjoy the precious treasure that you are! Or find someone whose music and lyrics you can use to awaken you to life, regardless of what is happening.
Peace and Joy, AMF

Words...

2008-02-16T02:20:00.000-08:00

So often I say to myself: "If only I had the chance to say...". There are moments in my life that I did not say what I wanted or needed to say. Other times I didn't ask a question that until now I thought would go unanswered. I have had a lack of closure because of the words I did not speak to my parents, friends and lovers.

But is is too late? I found out with the help of my therapist that these moments can be replayed in my memory and words can be spoken that went unsaid. I close my eyes and picture a time and place and the loved one's manner and the loved one's face. I see the two of us together and it feels so wonderful. We are looking at each other , ready to speak. I will not miss the chance this time.

The conversation can begin right then; the two of us joined in a verbal blend of words, delight and sometimes sorry. But what it gives me is the second, minute and hour to say the words that once did not come. I ask my father why he died when I was five and did he know I needed him then. I ask my mother if she really loved me and did she know that I loved her deeply. I ask a lover why the relationship ended with so much pain and was I ever loved and was I missed. I ask a dear friend why he took his life and didn't he know I would have helped him. I ask another friend who died young, if he knew I treasured him and that I miss him so often.

The list of people and words not spoken can sometimes appear endless...until I realized that once I had the first converstion, the others took less time and effort and some never had to take place. Words, emotions, and thoughts are powerful enough to jump the barriers of death and separation. I brought closure to so many relationships when I was finally honest with myself...I knew the anwer all along to why I had not spoken... I just didn't want to say, "Good-Bye". And sometimes saying good-bye is inevitable. God Bless us all.AMF

Signs...

2008-02-01T11:52:00.000-08:00

I have always been a person who believed that everything happens the way it is suppose to! I have not always known why or what the reason was but as time passed--- I did find the reason why the event happened. Everything that has happened to me wound up being a sign for something new to happen.

The meltdown that I had in my last posting led me to find the meaning behind my speech loss. I found the road out of my desperation. I decided to reclaim my voice but in a different way. I gave up my romantic notion that I was going to get my speech back. Now, I know that this will not happen. I can improve what remains but I will never be who I was ...so I decided to be a new me. I am going to learn sign language and then teach children who are hearing impaired. Do you hear me ...loud and clear...it won't matter how I speak, my hands and lips will be the vehicles with which I communicate to the children. I can be a teacher again and feel the glory of impacting on children and enjoy the lovely moments they will share with me.

I know that it will take time to be proficient in signing or all the alternatives to it...but in the meantime I will be spending quality time with children.

A slight bump in my plans has taken place = I cannot find a place to learn signing, baby talk and lip reading. I am still trying but when I contacted the National Association for the Deaf, they wrote back that I...the person who cannot speak easily, should call different religious organizations, colleges, and Centers and inquire if they knew. It seemed strange to me that the NAD would not have that information...am I alone on this? So I wrote back to them and expressed my surprise and yes, shock, that an association dealing primarily with people who have hearing and perhaps speech handicaps would not know this type of information. They have been silent on this issue and to this day, I have never heard from them. God bless the world. AMF

"Chatterbox" and "In My Mind Annie"

2008-01-28T19:11:00.000-08:00

This posting may not be one of my bests. I just know that if I don't write and post this now, it will never happen.

You see, I am desperate. I have to tell everyone the truth --- that this speech and mouth thing is really getting to me.

When I was small my father nick-named me "Chatterbox" because from the time I arrived on this planet I have always had something to say. How my parents wished that yelling at me was enough. No, what would happen when they yelled, pleaded or begged was that I would think about their unhappiness and then I would be "Chattering" with them about another topic they wished would go silent.

My mouth may have dictated my profession. I choose to be an elementary school teacher, then Assistant Principal and then Principal in NYC. Oh, the glory of those days. I talked and laughed with the children; read ; dialogued; argued; philosophized; sang, recited poems, rhymes, and jingles. Talking, speaking, chattering = what fun. And besides that I used my mind to attract the talent that lay beneath the surfaces of these great children. But my vehicle was the "spoken/heard word". And I loved it. Maybe teaching was in my soul, a part of my birthright. It was mine and I loved teaching, talking to people, just engaging in life with the beauty and power of the spoken word.

Cancer of the salivary gland made it necessary to have surgery, followed by radiation. Over a period of years, changes have occurred to by face, neck, and speech. About two and a half years ago I found myself literally tongue tied. My tongue had gotten fibroidic. All sounds were made without being able to move my tongue. My friends became my translators and my most comfortable companions. Picture me in Italy, which I went to in May, 2007. Some very interesting moments!

I feel I have been robbed of my chatterbox status and given this persona of "In My Mind Annie". I selected that name for the conversationalist-style that I now have had to develop. Most of my conversation is in my head where I respond ever so intelligently to someone's comment but my verbal response sounds and feels something like " Wow"and " Ah, ah". All that I thought stays in my head and then comes another saved conversation or joke, another song I didn't sing and each day I make a collection. Do you know how many times I say some form of "I have a speech problem. If you cannot understand me, just let me know." Most people have been really helpful and courteous. For this I am truly grateful.

I have been blessed that I have found three talented dentists who have given me the hope of a "Drop Palate." This has given me the sound of someone who might have a hearing impairment. I have two drop palates and I am trying to see what my tongue needs to bounce off the palate so that I make the sound clearer. So what have I really lost? Snappy jokes, some with innuendos; singing with friends and children; teaching children; eating and talking at dinner; group conversations; being heard in a large group; making an important statement to a large group of peers; arguing a point with a department store on the telephone, comfortable telephone calls. Look, my list is long and my sadness deep. I really don't know what to do about this loss. I am hoping for a miracle. Right now I am playing around with Silly Putty to see if I can improve the shape of the "Drop Palate". You see what I am going through,,,who would ever think I would know what a "Drop Palate" was? This specific journey of silence is going to take me to another road where I will find out what this is all about. When I know, I will write about it. God bless us all, AMF

Not everyone lives happily ever after...and that is fine!

2007-12-27T18:24:00.001-08:00

Two weeks ago I heard from a friend of mine who I had met about thirty six years ago. When we started teaching, we sort of bonded at the hip. We both loved the children and teaching; we both loved laughing and playing bridge. And we definitely both loved life. We were twenty-eight and we thought that everything would play out the way it did in the best romantic movies --- "And they lived happily ever after." This belief was fully nurtured by the age of our students (seven years old) and the books we read to them that always had happy endings. Who were we as adults to question that our lives would be charmed like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty?

After my friend got married and had her first child, things started to change and I noticed that we were floating apart. She was very involved in her married life and in her roles as wife and mother. My life allowed me to have more freedom and time for myself. I tried to hold on tightly to this friendship and to this person who I loved as a sister but time, distance and circumstance kept separating us until we were no more. I didn't notice at the time that I was working very hard to keep the friendship alive while she was just being herself. One day her telephone calls just stopped. We would not see each other for the next twenty two years.

In 1995 as I was sitting in a cafe in Norwalk, Connecticut, I remembered that my friend had moved to this area. I asked the staff of the cafe for a telephone directory and started hopping from one location to another. Eventually I found her name in Westport, CT. I hesitated about calling her. Who would I find at the other end of the telephone? What did I expect? Eventually, I picked up a telephone and called her. She sounded just the way I remembered. An immediate connection was made and I jumped head first into the friendship.

For the past twelve years I have tried to be a part of her life. It didn't matter if she was a part of mine. I adjusted my life and appointments to fit her schedule. I was so honored that she still wanted to be friends with me. I can actually count the times we got together and believe me it was usually in CT. doing things she wanted. I traveled. I drove. I was interesting. I was involved with her life. And one day this Sleeping Beauty woke up. I was doing all the work and she was just living her life. .

I was notified by the doctor that I had metastatic cancer and I told my friend this. I didn't hear from her for the next six months and then...one day...my telephone rang. She said "Hello" and I almost didn't know who it was. This was a defining moment for me. Was I going to pick up where she left off? This time I opted out and I put my needs first.

Friendship is amorphous. But there has to be substance regardless of how often I see or talk to someone. For me I need to feel loved..and cared about. I do need some contact because with time we can all become strangers. First it was twenty two years... this time six months. I did not ask, "So, how have you been?" Instead I said some parting words and we parted. I felt a loss but also a gain. I found a way to put my needs first. I hope I can use this experiene to strengthen my own self worth. I DESERVE TO BE LOVED. God bless us all. AMF

The Miracle Maker

2007-12-12T15:06:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, December 10, 2007, I went for my follow-up visit to MSKCC pulmonary specialist. I had a CT Scan one week ago to determine if the nodules on my lungs had changed sinceSeptember, 2007. In medical vernacular, had grown. Unfortunately, the miracle I had hoped for had not occurred. Out of five nodules, two had grown from three millimeters to five millimeters.

When I asked the doctor what would happen next...we simultaneously answered, "Wait and see." In three months the CT scan would be done again and if any nodule had grown to eight millimeters, a biopsy could be done to see what was going on. This post is not about, "Do I have cancer or don't I?" It is about, "How will I make my miracle happen during the next three months?"

You see, when all of this started on September 11, 2007, I just thought that wanting a miracle was enough. I really didn't do much to cause or welcome one. Now I am ready. In re-thinking the past three months I know that I have changed some of the things I do and my emotional life is getting better. However, I have done little to improve my spiritual life.

I grow spiritually when I dance. I love to belly dance or just move to all types of music. I have even tried Hip-Hop, and I am not too bad. Dancing is so special to me because I leave my body and feel connected with the world as a whole. I feel a pulsation in my body and I believe that I can use this to connect with the Creator. I will use music to move my body and mind to a healthier place, taking along with it my spiritual self. I also love to listen to music and sing along and this joins me with the world of creation. A personal favorite is John Denver. His words and music are so moving to me. You might want to listen to him, sometimes to see if his music and lyrics speak to you.

I also will meditate. This will help me to stop ruminating, something I am working on in therapy, I really didn't know what ruminating was, but I was good at it! I was surprised to find out that I was using past hurtful events to entertain myself. I am going to move past all the negative things in my past and present life and focus on what is positive in my life NOW. This is what really matters. When I meditate I am calmer and more focused on what is good in my life. I am peaceful and prayerful - something I could use. A strong belief in someone or something will help me to open my soul and heart to God.

When I do these two things - dance and meditate for the purpose of healing myself physically, emotionally and spiritually I WILL HAVE made MY MIRACLE and then I will be one of the miracle makers who exist all around us. Haven't you ever felt the effects of these people - the feeling of peace, joy and calm just radiates from them?

The miracle I am seeking is not about the nodules disappearing or the nodules not being malignant - although that would be great. This miracle is about making my life better for myself each and every day I have. By doing this, I will impact on myself, others and the world. I will be creating a purposeful life and living the life I was put on the Earth to have. You see I really believe that all things happen the way they are suppose to happen. God bless us all! AMF

Susan and me and Mom made three...

2007-12-07T08:06:00.000-08:00

I have never seen a photograph of my family together - my mother, my father, my sister and me! I never even thought to wonder why. I saw photos of my Mom and my Dad or my Mom and my sister Susan and an endless number of combinations but never the four of us together!

My heart has always felt the pain of being a family of three, not four.
My friends thought that they knew what my tears on Father's Day meant
Cry for the father I barely knew, cry for the emptiness that I always felt
No, I cried my mother who did not know how to make a family of three.

All his pictures were removed, no clothing, jewelry, nothing of his remained
To remind us of the man who once had made us four, my Dad!
Then there were Susan and me and Mom and that made three
Why no photos to show my family? One, two, three, four.

I looked at photos of each of us and yearned for something different
With scissors, papers, glue and a picture frame I bought
I cut each one of us out of photos that I loved
And placed us together in the frame the way I had seen us in my mind

It took some time for the pieces I made to fit together
I now have the picture frame with my family of four
Placed on my dresser for me to view each day
As I pass the "photo of four" I sometimes stop...

I place a kiss on the glass and feel complete... finally. God bless us all! AMF

I Believe In Santa Claus...

2007-12-05T05:06:00.000-08:00

Every year when December comes around, I gasp. Do I really have to buy all these gifts for people who have so much? How will I pay the bills when they come in? Is this what Santa Claus meant when he said, "HO, HO, HO"?

This year I tried to close my eyes and remember what the most important thing about the holidays was to me when I was a child. And to my surprise I found out that as a child I was most excited about Santa Claus coming to my apartment. It sort of felt magical- such a big round man getting into my apartment where there was no chimney. I had to suspend reality and believe in magic. I always left him cookies and milk. He wasn't very demanding. I did want presents under my tree...but Santa Claus' visit was the highlight of the holidays for me.

So, this year I have decided to give away things, wonderful things I love, as gifts to people I don't know and a few to friends. I will wrap the gifts and the card will say, "LOVE, Santa Claus". I went through my closet, jewelry box, and drawers and found many great things I haven't worn or used for some time. Why hold on to what I don't need? Everything is in great condition and looks almost new. In some cases the items are new. Consumption at its worst...I never used what I purchased.

Yesterday I went around my apartment building and wherever someone indicated that they celebrated Christmas, I left them a gift. Some got door knob bells; others got decorations added to their wreathes. You may feel this could be intrusive, but remember - the power of magic and surprise. And each person is free to remove their special gift. And for residents who celebrate other holidays, I left cookies, and books. Don't you just wonder what they thought when they got their present?

I feel more childlike and happy helping Santa Claus! Hopefully, people will feel the intense emotions that exist only in childhood when very little is questioned and a lot is enjoyed. I do hope that they were able to get in touch with these emotions. For the first time in years I feel giddy and excited. I am wondering what I will do next. Ho, Ho, Ho! Enjoy the holiday season. God bless us all. AMF

People who can do...people who can't teach!

2007-11-05T14:53:00.000-08:00

Well, I am and always was a teacher. From the time I taught my doll how to burb, I knew that I enjoyed this special something that was a part of me. I babysat, was a counselor in camp and the older I got the more positive I was that I would be a great teacher.

I had a wonderful career and what made my life so delightful has been the experiences and memories of my days and nights as a teacher. Whether I was a supervisor or not, I was always a teacher. And I could have done many things but elected to be a teacher.

It is unimaginable that for years I have heard ,"People who can do. People who can't teach." and I laughed as others did. Then one day while I was listening to New York Mayor Bloomberg tell us how well the children/students were doing ---I knew the truth in my heart. Since not much has changed since I retired in 1996 and since I see new teachers drowning under paper work, schools teaching for the tests, and Math being taught without understanding - I questioned whether the Mayor had ever tried teaching! I also wondered if he knew what it meant for the children/students to be doing well! How can our precious children succeed if their teachers are overwhelmed and under supported? Be real, Mr. Mayor.

I was a New York City educator for thirty-two years. And I loved every minute of it. That doesn't mean I didn't have "dog down days" but after I recovered, I knew that I loved my profession. I neither questioned my intellectual ability nor did I think I had become a teacher because I was incapable of doing anything else. I had the responsibility to know the world's Sciences, Historical and Current Events, Arts, Music, Literature, Politics etc. and in addition manage a classroom of children, teach them a love for education while somehow keeping their attention, stay in the syllabus, offer an enriched program, interface with my supervisor, be welcoming to all parents/guardians while being honest, sincere and professional, get along with all school personnel etc. And of course there is the paper work, the endless amount of paper work. Trust me, and I know you will because why would I lie? What I tell you is only about 50% of what all teachers do.

I challenge anyone who says "People who can do, people who can't teach." to take a week, no, two weeks off from his/her job and spend one week as a regular classroom teacher and one week as a substitute teacher doing the job that is described for you - all the planning, all the research, all the paper work, etc. Then write to me at this website and share with me your experience. I promise to be kind, supportive and professional. After all I am an educator/ teacher and I can do anything. Then together maybe we can come up with a descriptive sentence about teachers that recognizes that not only can they do things, but they are the ones who taught you.

Hopefully, there are no spelling or grammatical errors in this article. Oh, what about structure. Just having some fun. God bless us all, AMF

Forty Going on Sixty-three

2007-10-25T01:40:00.000-07:00

Background: When I started to work with my therapist, I think it was in 1997, I was fifty-two years old. However, I kept feeling that I had all the time in the world because I was only forty. This age discrepancy was never discussed because I thought that I WAS FORTY OR AT LEAST I FELT LIKE I WAS. So if I believed and knew I was forty, so did my therapist. I saw my therapist as being about twenty years older than I was. The belief that time was an endless commodity kept me locked in this time warp until...

The years have past, but I stood still.
I thought my therapist was over the hill.
She taught me things that parents do
She challenged my beliefs and my emotional chaos.

I felt so great being twenty years younger than she
I knew that I had so much to do and she was wiser, older than me.
To be at peace at forty years old - so that I could mature
And be wise and peaceful at her older age.

The miracle of age and youth are easy to find and confuse
It's time in the present, time left behind, there is no time to lose.
A combination of memories now and then
Have made into me who I am right now

I have been with her for over eleven years
We have shared laughter and lots of tears
She has shared my pain and helped me to move on
I know myself better and can now trust my emotions.

Then one day it happened to me - unplanned and unprepared.
I walk into her office and this time I felt scared
I sat in a chair and looked at her deeply
She looked at me and waited for me to speak.

I had discovered a fact that would surprise her and me
I was not forty years old but rather sixty-three
How did this happen I do not know- where did all those years go?
But somewhere in therapy, I had matured and grown .

With her love and guidance and supporting ways
My endless nights had turned into days
I let go of my childhood traumas
And evolved into a mature woman with a better emotional self.

I spent those years thinking I was younger
Because my life had been filled with life's thunder
But now I feel safe to be my age.
And look who is my companion - but this mature sage!

Thank you, dear therapist and life coach of mine
The time we work together has been challenging and sublime
My time-line is adjusted and I am moving on
And I am blessed with you at my side. God Bless you! AMF

Childhood Dreams, Adult realities

2007-09-25T11:18:00.001-07:00

Tooth Fairies, Angels, Easter Bunnies, Santa Claus, Leprechauns. Rainbows with pots of gold, and Happily Ever Afters --- These dreams and many more made up my childhood. I always thought everything would be magical and endings would always be happy. I thought that I had a puffy white cloud that God had selected just for me and that this cloud was in the sky and that this was heaven. I believed that I could jump from cloud to cloud, visiting friends and family. From childhood, to adolescence, to adulthood - these dreams slowly faded away as reality set in for me. Until recently...

Try as I may I could not hold onto my dreams as the harsh realities of life hit me. My father died when I was five and that challenged my belief system for the first time. What was death? and why couldn't I hear him any more? I felt vulnerable and overwhelmed. But I still had my angel, my very own angel. There was something consoling about having this angel to watch over me. I remember that as a child I would talk to my Angel and I always felt protected no matter what was happening in my life. When things were confusing and I felt alone, I imagined my angel sitting on a cloud and talking to God and interceding for me. No matter what the outcome, I thought that God had chosen it for me.

However, I have wanted to hide from adult realities - the painful ones: death, illness, poverty, failure, disappointment, love lost, etc. I could not achieve this adult fantasy! Many friends and loved ones have died and I felt that I never had enough time to say good-bye to them. My health became an issue and I have been involved with doctors and more doctors since 1991.In my address book I have a list of twenty two doctors who I see at one time or another during the year, by necessity not by choice. I think I have learned more than I should have about medical issues and medical terms. And then two years ago I lost my ability to talk fluently. This meant that my belief that I was the life of the party, a political sage , an advise giver and a teacher all melted away from me and broke my heart and I cried out loud and silently.

What I have realized recently is that I can superimpose my childhood dreams on my adult realities and the mixture creates a most delicious blend. When I decided that I didn't have to suffer as an adult and that both my angel and cloud were available to me, I grabbed on and went for the ride of my life.

With the help and support of my therapist and a few friends and many books , I learned that illness was not something that had to occupy my entire life. I realized that happiness was something I created and that the plans and dreams I had as a child could be realized as an adult. And I learned that I could speak in many different ways and in many tones.

I do yoga early in the morning when I am alone and then I meditate. How wonderful. During the day I practice my belly dancing and have found that I have learned a lot and that I enjoy moving my body to music. I write letters, e-mails and my blog. I cannot be silenced, if I want to be heard. I have found a doctor who is making me an appliance to help me speak better and I am helping to design its construction. People in general are very nice if I ask for help without complaining.

I have a wonderful teddy bear that I bought for myself and that I hold when I feel alone. I have a significant other who is learning to be my best friend and I make new friends wherever I go. Volunteering enriches my spirit and I soar higher than I ever imagined when I do random act of kindness. I am creating Adult Dreams and they are powerful because I can make them come true. God bless us all AMF

Dandelion, Dandelion..same old story every time!

2007-09-06T18:36:00.000-07:00

September 6. 2007

The thoughts I share with you today are quite different from what I would have previously written. I have attempted to be brave and courageous as I dealt with the different medical tests and findings that have been a part of my life since I first got cancer in 1991. I have felt like a mouse in a maze, looking for the right exit but never finding it. I have had cancer five times over a period of sixteen years, and each time the loneliness and fear in my heart has been masked with the activity that is part of the Cancer process: doctors, tests, diagnosis, doctors, tests, treatment and doctors, tests, prognosis. Somehow it feels like a dance - the steps are known but the music changes.

On Tuesday night September 11, 2007, I received a telephone call at 7:00pm from my Pulmonary doctor. This already was a bad sign since most doctors never call to tell me "good news". So I got a piece of paper and a pen and listened as I was told that I had suspicious nodes in my lungs that might be indicative of metastatic cancer. After putting the telephone receiver back, I slowly started to fall apart like a dandelion in the breeze. I remember crawling into bed and sobbing in disbelief. I felt so blown apart and so alone. Just like a dandelion as it loses its battle with the wind.

Who was going to take care of me? Who was going to hold my hand and travel with me for doctor's appointments? treatments? follow-up tests? My sister has been dealing with her husband's own cancer challenges and my closest friends are dealing with their own family calamities and everyday normal crisis. Alone, so alone I felt...who was going to take care of me? I felt so childlike. Who was going to be my caretaker?

My therapist has been working very hard to get me to acknowledge my strengths. For some reason I had been very reluctant to do that. Finally, I started to think about what was nurturing and supportive about me and what strengths I had. Slowly, I was uncovering my Caretaker. My caretaker was telling me where to look for her and I followed the sound of her soft, loving voice.

This caretaker I sought could not be hired. Nor could she be forced into servitude. She is within me and I have to get to her and convince her that I need her. Since I never knew that each of us has a CARETAKER, I also never knew how to find her and call her into action. This special caretaker would provide me with security and stability. She was going to be my constant friend, lover, parent, cook, spiritual guide. fashion coordinator, medical adviser and any other role that I felt a need for.

I have sometimes heard my caretaker as she warned, "Watch out for that car." as I was driving; and I heard her scream out in pain and anguish when my mother died. She has held me to her and although her arms could not be seen, they were felt by me. This caretaker right now is just showing herself to me and I am learning to lean on her and utilize her gifts.

We seem to believe that a caretaker is someone outside ourselves who is hired to take care of the weak, the ill and the aged. The surprise is that this wonderful caretaker has always been a part of us! The best time to search for and find your caretaker is when you are young. But most of us don't know about this caretaker until much later in life and then the connection is harder to make. We have our caretaker with us from the day we are conceived. It is what gives us the strength to survive the ups and downs and all arounds of life. Each of us has a caretaker with us from the day we land on this planet.

I am still in the process of finding and befriending my caretaker and giving her a name. My therapist, who I trust and love, assures me that I will be successful, and I have every reason to believe her. And for some reason as I search for and find my caretaker a calm is coming over me. Yes, I am still afraid of my new diagnosis but I now know that I am not alone and this is very comforting. God bless us all. AMF

Hello God, this is Me!

2007-08-29T14:07:00.000-07:00

I don't practice a specific religion; I find them all wonderful and they all seem to lead to You, God. The one thing I don't get is why I am having Cancer over and over again. Since I do believe in You and I do try to live a spiritual life, I just assumed that You would be watching out for me. When my father died of colon Cancer at the young age of 37, his name was Jim - remember him?, I was sure that You would take his pain and suffering as a "savings account" for me.

Therefore, from the age of five, I walked around pretty confident that I would never get Cancer. However, I was really wrong! My challenges started in 1991 and here it is 2007 and I have now gotten two different breast cancers, salivary cancer, and metastatic salivary cancer in my iliac bone. I have learned words that I never knew before in order to make my way through the trapazoid of the Hospital and its doctors. In case you forgot , the first time I had Cancer, I made seven consultations just to make sure that the doctor had gotten it right. You can never be too sure. I remember being asked "What would I like to do - have a mastectomy or a lumpectomy." My answer was "Neither, Thank You!"

Why was the doctor asking me? I was a Principal in the New York City school system. Ask how I think a school should attend to the safety, emotional and educational needs of the students, then I would have a great deal to say. But Mastectomy? Lumpectomy?

Well, yesterday, I finished a series of tests to determine what is causing the pain and swelling in my left hip. For the first time since 1991 I thought about dying. I wondered how much my body and mind could take. Friends have come and gone, unable to deal with a person with major health challenges. It appears You forgot to tell some people that they should help the less fortunate, not lecture them or give them pep talks about being brave and courageous. That comes with time and experience.

When the effects of the radiation started to impact on my mouth and speech, I lost a fluency of the English language that I loved. But You compensated me at birth with the gifts of sight and sound and I learned to write as I was growing up. I am discovering that I am not really cursed. or doomed. I have been booked on a journey, not of my choosing, that takes me places that most people will never go.

So, God, I bet You thought I was angry at You. NEVER! Well, I am not thrilled but I do know that I have been blessed by You with a life that has weeded out the faint of heart and that has given me the chance to offer help and support to others so that someone can help them on their cancer trip.

God bless us all, AMF

Welcome to My World !

2007-08-08T14:20:00.000-07:00

There is so much that I have learned since the first time I heard the words, "You have Cancer." It seemed as if I was being given a present instead of a diagnosis. The doctor was casual about the procedure and the treatment. I stood in his office hallway. Hallway, you may gasp! Yes, that is where I got the news in 1991. As I was struggling for my breath and about to pass out...I suggested that we go into his office. He threw at me words and surgical terms I had never heard of. My brain shut down as he said that the surgery would require the removal of my right breast. I objected to that, and what woman or man wouldn't and asked if there was another alternative. Finally, I realized that I should read Susan Loves's book about breasts and also make some appointments with other doctors for second opinions. I set up seven second opinions...I wanted to make sure that I left no door unopened. But it only took a visit to Memorial Sloan Kettering and to a wonderful doctor who actually thought that I should sit in an office and talk about this cancer thing. So there we sat and he explained what I had...he suggested that I write notes and then he asked me the most wonderful question, "Is there anything that I can do for you to help you through this?" It was then I knew that having cancer was going to be a journey of some kind, an opportunity to learn about myself and other people and to make decisions and choices that would be the best ones for me. Since that day I have had cancer four more times and I have been on a spiritual journey, learning about life, people and myself. I have felt alone sometimes. Only someone who has had cancer can truly understand how it effects us. I hope that my sharing now and in the future will help you as well as me. God bless us all............Amf