So much more to life...during Chemotherapy!

Chemotherapy can leave us with many different feelings -- what to do ? what to do? Depending on how each of us feels it is important that on the "Good" days, we grab the time to do things that make us feel good. I love massages and acupuncture. I set up appointments for massages, facials, and acupuncture sessions. I even had a manicure and a pedicure. I frequently went to Bloomingdales and went to the MAC counter and had the technician help me with makeup ---I lined my eyes, used color to pop my eyes, got make-up, blush and lipstick and the result was startling.


Although I tended to wear black and grey, I used my head scarves to bring color to my wardrobe. Remember, this is what I did when I felt "Good". Those days usually came at the end of the treatment period....right before I was scheduled to get my next chemo treatment. So, just as I was feeling and looking good...that time was here. But I was ready for the good days that would happen in about five days..


I found that the chemo cycles went like this: chemo......sick.......start to feel better.....feel good....next treatment and then the chemo cycle started again. With each chemo session the time of illness grew and the time of feeling good got reduced. But I want to remind all of us...there are options to feeling miserable and your arsenal of positive actions should be ready. Write a list of what you will do because believe me...you won't remember what to do as you are leaning into the toilet bowl. By the way, use a basin when you are nauseous and not the toilet bowl. Why you may ask...The reason is we deserve better.

Keep a record of the things you can do when you feel good. Have everything ready. Have a plans for when you are feeling sick..........remember eat white food! and stock up on ginger ale or cola. Find what makes you feel better and have it all ready. Arrange where you will sleep or sit...plan how each day will go and then using all your God given strength....move on. The day you finish your treatment............sleep and rent movies for the times you are awake. And don't move your head too much. You and I both know that what I have written does not apply to everyone...but what I am trying to tell you is BE PREPARED!
"You are a child of god and a special person."Course in Miracles." amf




I have always fought being called a CANCER SURVIVOR. So many of my friends

Chemotherapy - so much to learn!

Don't start chemo therapy until you know what is going to happen to you, both physically and emotionally. Even if you have already started chemo...something I write might help you.

I had six months of chemo in 2004 for breast cancer and I now realize how I should have prepared myself. I found out what was going to happen as it happened and I had to keep adjusting myself. I hope my suggestions will help all of us remember that as the patient we need to feel empowered and we must insure that we always know what is happening and that we always have the right of "first refusal". We can say, "No, thank you." as well as "Yes, I like the plan we worked out for me."

We are not responsible for the fears of our family and friends. This might sound unfeeling but I am only encouraging us to remember that the needs and wants of the patient have to come first. All to often some cancer patients do things or have treatments before they are ready and comfortable with what is happening. Sometimes it is at the urging of family and/or friends and sometimes it is the doctor. No one will ever convince me that a week or month's delay in surgery or treatment will really alter how long I will live or how effective the surgery and/or the treatment will be. Well, maybe never...

Therefore,

from my heart to yours

--- I encourage you to stop and breathe! Cancer is what it is and you and I will just have to make decisions that seem to be beyond our abilities. But if we have a system for surviving all that faces us we will feel more powerful and believe me there is real joy in getting the medical profession to stop and listen. I have made it happen on many occasions and I take great pride in these victories.

First, purchase a notebook that you feel comfortable with and two or three pens.This notebook will be your constant companion whenever you have any appointments with any one who is involved with your health care. You should write down the purpose of the visit, any comments or decisions and the names of ALL drugs that enter your body. Know the names of the chemicals that you are choosing, what they are suppose to do and any and all side effects. For every side effect there is a PILL. I say this from experience... the experience I had each and every time I said: I am nauseous. There must be something you can do." Never ask the doctors, " Can You Help Me?" , assume that they can and you know despite their best efforts not to help....they do. Only kidding some of my BEST DOCTORS are doctors.Before I make any decisions about my care I need to understand what will happen. Therefore, I will write some notes and ask some questions
Don't be surprised if you are asked: "What do you want to do?" When the oncologist told me what chemicals would be in my "cocktail" and that I could have a choice of chemicals. I looked at her as if she were crazy!!!!! I had been an elementary school principal, so if she had asked me what procedures I wanted to follow during a fire drill, I was prepared. But how should I know what chemo therapy I should use. My brain had already stopped functioning back when I was told that I had breast cancer. and I could barely hang on...now I was expected to be an oncologist who planned my therapy treatment plan.

Well, if the medical profession wanted me to play doctor then I would. So I had two conferences with my oncologist, wrote down the planned chemo and the alternatives that were not being used. Determined why certain choices had been made. QUESTION....QUESTION....QUESTION.....AND YOUR LAST AND MOST POIGNANT QUESTION SHOULD BE: "TAKING INTO ACCOUNT MY PROFILE AND PATHOLOGY REPORTS, IF I WERE YOUR SISTER WHAT WOULD YOU TELL ME WAS THE BEST PATH TO FOLLOW AND WHY." Resist the temptation to speak....the silence will get very loud but eventually the doctor will speak. Listen closely to what is said and keep using the "sister" word. It seems to create a more personal relationship instantly.

Eventually, you will have made the decision to have chemo or not to have it. If you choice not to....God Bless You and Let's Keep in Touch and I wish you great joy and peace. Don't look back and never second guess yourself. If you decided to have chemo recognize that the decision you made was very hard and admire yourself for taking the action you took. Chemo is a strange things. No one who has had it, in my world, has every had the same emotional or physical feelings.Try listing your symptoms in the order of prominence and then select the path of action............You can call and see the oncologist and ask for remedies. Remember for every physical symptom like nausea this is a pill. If the first pill doesn't work,,,,keep giving feedback to the doctor. Be aware of the changes, if any, the pill has caused and tell the doctor. Leave with a new prescription, held proudly in your hand.

You slowly work your way down the list and by the time you are at the bottom of your first list, there might be a second....but it does help time to pass as you move through chemo...doing your best to manage your treatment and live your life. Remember this is why we do take chemo.

One of the most frequent complaint about chemo - after losing hair, is how we feel physically. In talking with soooooooo many women who had chemo here are some of what I see as some great remedies for nausea, roller coaster feeling, feet touching the ceiling, chairs spinning and lifting off the floor, and food, oh, food, actually looking like the vomit that eating will cause...
Saltine crackers, tea with honey, ginger ale, oatmeal, farina, and all white foods like white rice, white potatoes, white cheeses, cottage cheese, white bread. I wondered why about this "White Model" and I think that because the color white is so blah we don't think "food" ane we eat.

There will be more to come...but I am off to a Spa with my sister just to be with nature.I hope what I write helps someone...it helps me. You see I am blessed with a person in my life who encouraged me to write. I may never be famous, but I am a person capable of writing what I feel and sharing it, hopefully, in a way that helps those of you who read my blog. By the way...thank you for reading my thoughts.

Will write when I get Back. God bless the election of 2008. AMF

Living and Dying are intimate friends...

The words in my title were written by John Denver. I was driving my car and listening to John Denver's music. I was focusing on his lyrics and even though I had heard the song before, this was the first time I heard, "Living and Dying are intimate friends". I felt tears streaming down my face and I realized I needed to pull off the road.

Living,dying....two words that I just never saw as friends but for the first time I felt some comfort. With my newest cancer diagnosis I felt that it was important that I feel positive about the prognosis. However, fear entered my emotions, body and spirit and I could not soothe myself or feel calm. The doctor had said that right now there would be no treatment and that he would see me in a year if nothing changed. My heart ached as I heard his words...I just knew too much about Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma (ACC), the orphan cancer. It is rare and because of this, it is not studied much. There is no cure just treatments ...chemotherapy. I would only have chemo if symptoms existed. Right now, I am symptom free!

Living and dying are intimate friends...these words circled round my mind and body. What did John Denver mean when he described these words as intimate friends? Did he ever imagine for a moment how they would touch me? I knew for the first time that if I looked at my birth, my life and my death as three intimate friends... I would not be afraid.

When I was born, I was just born. I didn't worry about the nine months I spent in my mother's womb or the birth process or would I be a boy or a girl. As I have been living my life, I have spent a great deal of time concerning myself with the wrong things and missing out on so much time! There have been times when I have been anxious and afraid to do something or face a problem. Other times I worried about what might happen if...

With time, experience and training, I have gotten use to the bumps of life. I plan on continuing work on my life and my use of each day. I will also continue seeking peace and living a life where I do things that make an impact on the world.

Recently I have seen the presence of death and its color is neither somber nor black. I am reaching out for dying in terms of attempting to understand it so that it becomes "an intimate friend". I am realizing that death may not be a fearful process but just a component of being a human being. As I was born and as I live, I will die.

And it may be the most exciting human experience ever! So many die and so many live. We can only accept what will be....Let's enjoy each moment! God bless all the soldiers. AMF

Can anyone see me?

Dear Anyone:

I was born to a father who could see me as his child , his baby girl, his delight. I was born to a mother who was blind to my needs, my five little fingers, my five little toes, my sparkly eyes, my winsome smile. Unfortunately for me, my father died when I still had not internalized who I was and what I had to offer the world.

So, after my father's death, all my life lessons were taught to me primarily by my mother - who could not see the world clearly. I learned to be blind to who I was also! Looking into a mirror to see what I looked like, I saw who my mother saw. My intelligence, my sense of humor, so much of me had already been written for me by my mother, the author of my childhood emotions, opinions, issues, and self-worth.

My heart cries out for someone to see me; someone to touch the person I am! I want someone to acknowledge that I am so much more than I was told and had come to believe. The reality is that I will not find that someone, that anyone - until I see for myself the person I have become.

At age sixty-five, I have the chance to define myself. I do not need anyone to confirm my beliefs about myself. It is easier now because of my age and the fact that my world belongs to me. I am not watching a time clock. Nor am I raising children or establishing a professional life. I have been blessed by knowing people who really have loved me as I am and that fact gives me the courage to open another chapter in my life and find what has been buried deep. I have been hesitant to introduce the real me to the world. Wish me luck on this new journey. I will let you know who I find. Can anyone see me?

Yes, I, the holder of your soul, spirit and emotions, can see you clearly. Come join me and I will tell you all!
Peace In the World. AMF

I will miss you every Sunday morning...

You knew some of us better than others! But we all knew you. We saw you with different eyes, with different professional and personal lives, with different knowledge bases, with different hearts and spirits. Some of us were members of your family, some were friends and some were admirers. You probably were not a stranger to anyone. And if you were, it was truly a lose for that person.

I found you every Sunday morning in my home. With a touch on my remote control your face appeared before me and for a time we were together. I was taken on a journey where you as the guide helped me to unpack my intelligence and knowledge. My brain opened so that I could unlock my thoughts as I listened to your questions and the answers your guests gave. Moment after moment I travelled with you to different parts of the world as you encouraged the dialogues. I watched the twinkle in your eyes each time you caught your "mouse" and the intensity was there too when you questioned someone about issues that impacted on our humanity and on our freedoms and political systems.

I wish I had known you enough to have given you a hug. Yesterday, you died and you left a vacancy that no one can fill. For once I have found someone who is irreplaceable. I have been mourning today. I move differently and speak softly not wanting to disturb the silence. I need to hold onto you for as long as I can. Goodbye, dear friend. Goodbye, Tim Russert. Peace AMF

Where did my beauty go?

It has been a long time since I have walked into a room and heads turned in awe. To be perfectly honest...that never happened to me. Although I never thought of myself as a beautiful, pretty or attractive woman, I was told by both men and women that I was attractive. . Somehow, I took that as a compliment and added it to my "they think I am acceptable" bag. However, I knew that it was the clothes that I had picked out, paid a great deal of money for and wore proudly, that made me acceptable to the general population. Now...I know the truth. It was my age. The younger I was the better looking I seemed to be to everyone.

Now, at sixty-five, I wear my clothes with an mature air of sophistication; however, no one notices but me. A very wise woman told me that this happens as a woman gets older. I don't remember hearing this before or maybe I didn't want to believe it. So in one day I did a study. I changed my outfits five times. Wore Mac makeup, applied as I had been shown by the Mac representative and really put a great deal of effort into looking "attractive". But no one noticed and I was invisible even to my partner. But I knew I was here. What to do? What to do? Was I really too old to be beautiful, pretty or attractive?

What had happened was that I bought the hype about a woman's beauty. And now I am returning it for a full refund. I thought that no one noticed me because of the surgery I had for salivary cancer that left my face with an odd shape and an indentation on the left side of my neck. After the surgery, when I looked into the mirror...looking back at me was a stranger. I cried and screamed and begged for my own face back. Everyone assured me that I looked different but fine. That word "fine"...watch out for it! It is a non-committal word meaning "I don't want to tell you the truth".

I no longer had the face that I had taken for granted and what I had was not what I wanted. It took me years to get use to the stranger in the mirror and I blamed myself for the lack of compliments coming my way. I hid myself with clothes that were styled in the Eileen Fisher mode... they hid my body but made me look modern and stylish. I wore big glasses and covered a great deal of my face with a haircut that tended to move forward. I was afraid to go to Sephora for a make-up consultation for fear of the reaction. One day I did go and the result was a great deal of sympathy and an attempt to cosmetically hide what couldn't be hidden...the physical changes to my face.

Today, and I really mean today, I have decided that I had it all wrong. I was allowing the fashion world and the entertainment industry to tell me what is acceptable and what is not. I had cancer five times. I am sixty-five. I was a principal. I am a good friend. I like to read, laugh, dance, do yoga and be kind to animals. I care about the world. I support Senator Obama. I do random acts of kindness. I use shopping bags to support the "Green" movement. I support the ASPCA and Move-On. I donate money to Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. I have a spiritual life. I like to learn. And I trust the world will someday be at peace and accept all of us. Now, this is real beauty as defined by me.

When I looked in the mirror today, I looked into my eyes and I gently told myself what I wanted to hear...you are beautiful and you are a child of God. Be proud of who you are....AMF

The Secret........or is it?

My sister mentioned the book THE SECRET to me. So, off I went to the bookstore and I picked up two copies of it, one for each of us. My sister and I were going on "OUR SISTER TRIP" to a spa where we would be nurtured. We had been there twice before, but this time it was really important for me to get the most for myself. I was having a lung biopsy withing six days and I wanted to feel prepared. I thought that my sister and I could read the book and dialogue with each other about its contents. And that is what we did!

I found that the secret was already known to me but I had ignored it for so long. The secret is simple...what you think about you invite to enter your life, the law of attraction. You see when I am unhappy, I am unhappy. I nurture that unhappiness; I talk to friends about it; I seem to water it until it flowers into a big weed. The more I talk and talk about what is wrong in my life, the more things go wrong in my life. THE LAW OF ATTRACTION.

That has been true since I was a child. That was my mother's milk - she fed me with stories of loss, pain and grief. I never really knew how to free myself of this habit. I carried it with me all my life thinking - believing everyone lived this way. Yes, there were the wise ones who encouraged me to be happy, and to let go of my unhappiness. I just didn't get it...I didn't know what they were talking about or how I would do it. Until now...

The contents in the book THE SECRET were not a surprise to me. Over a twenty year span I had read or heard the messages before but this time something was different. I wanted to stop the pain, I wanted to be happy. So, I started slowly and this is what I did: I made a verbal decision to my sister that I wanted to be happy. I created a visual diagram of how to do it - thought, feeling, action, joy.

I started to closely monitor what I was thinking. Remembering that what I think invites more of the same. I checked my feelings. If I felt good. Great. If I felt badly - I went into action. I had a choice of actions - singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" or "Sunshine On My Shoulders". Or I danced. I took an action that made me feel great and positively overshadowed the negative feeling that was caused by the negative thought. Within seconds I stopped the pain or unhappiness. And what I felt was new to me I HAD CREATED HAPPINESS AND JOY FOR MYSELF.

I didn't wait for a miracle or for someone else to make me happy. I am now home from the spa and I am being tested. I monitor what I am thinking and if something happens to me that causes me to have an unhappy feeling or to be angry, agitated, miserable (you have the idea) I go into action : thoughts monitored, feelings monitored, positive action taken immediately and back to feeling good.

So if someday you see a woman singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" or some other happy song...or dancing down the street...you will know it is me! Happiness and Joy to all of us! AMF

Music and Lyrics

Today did not have a remarkable beginning. My eyes just popped opened at around 6:00 AM. It wasn't my plan to get up so early, but I could not fight my body's desire to accomplish something. I have had the flu for over two weeks, and I haven't gone out of the apartment in days. So, today I was off to the bagel shop and then to the supermarket and then back home. Hopefully, on the journey I would get a chance to breathe in the air and feel the brightness of the sun. It was important that I get home on time because...

On a public television network there was a special on John Denver, so I was looking forward to watching a John Denver Concert. As I waited I thought about how much I loved John Denver's music and I wondered what he had been like. I saw him in concert once, and I felt such a connection with his poetry, lyrics and music. I never knew why I wanted to cry when I heard his music. I just thought that it was "me" being overly-emotional. Unfortunately...

The television show was interspersed with pleas for money...it sort of changed my desire to experience John Denver, uninterrupted. So, I left my apartment and got into my car and turned on the CD player ---where I have five John Denver discs. Here, I would listen to the music alone and without interruption. A few minutes into one of Denver's song, I got that old feeling. It went so far into my body's core. I started to cry and then for the first time I wondered why. Denver's music made me feel that he was singing to me. That his words had been written with me in mind. But, most astoundingly, John Denver's words made me feel loved. I felt that I was special and the song and music made me feel that I had the right to be loved. It had been so long since I felt loved but...

John Denver's music and lyrics have a way of letting us know that we are not alone in anything we do. His words describe journeys we have all been on. The scenery might be different but the experience feels the same. He tells about love, passion and lost love. And somehow we all understand those experiences. Although I have never skied in Aspen, Colorado, when John Denver sings about it, I know I have been there - cutting in and out and jumping moguls with a courage I never knew I had. His mournfulness, his love, his truthful words and his passion about nature reach out to us. He knew pain and suffering and he still wished to "soar like an eagle". The emotional pain that I was feeling about my flu and cancer seemed to get overpowered by John Denver's music and lyrics and sort of dissolved. Therefore...

I invite you to have a wonderful experience - get some John Denver CDs and sit back and enjoy the precious treasure that you are! Or find someone whose music and lyrics you can use to awaken you to life, regardless of what is happening.
Peace and Joy, AMF

Words...

So often I say to myself: "If only I had the chance to say...". There are moments in my life that I did not say what I wanted or needed to say. Other times I didn't ask a question that until now I thought would go unanswered. I have had a lack of closure because of the words I did not speak to my parents, friends and lovers.

But is is too late? I found out with the help of my therapist that these moments can be replayed in my memory and words can be spoken that went unsaid. I close my eyes and picture a time and place and the loved one's manner and the loved one's face. I see the two of us together and it feels so wonderful. We are looking at each other , ready to speak. I will not miss the chance this time.

The conversation can begin right then; the two of us joined in a verbal blend of words, delight and sometimes sorry. But what it gives me is the second, minute and hour to say the words that once did not come. I ask my father why he died when I was five and did he know I needed him then. I ask my mother if she really loved me and did she know that I loved her deeply. I ask a lover why the relationship ended with so much pain and was I ever loved and was I missed. I ask a dear friend why he took his life and didn't he know I would have helped him. I ask another friend who died young, if he knew I treasured him and that I miss him so often.

The list of people and words not spoken can sometimes appear endless...until I realized that once I had the first converstion, the others took less time and effort and some never had to take place. Words, emotions, and thoughts are powerful enough to jump the barriers of death and separation. I brought closure to so many relationships when I was finally honest with myself...I knew the anwer all along to why I had not spoken... I just didn't want to say, "Good-Bye". And sometimes saying good-bye is inevitable. God Bless us all.AMF

Signs...

I have always been a person who believed that everything happens the way it is suppose to! I have not always known why or what the reason was but as time passed--- I did find the reason why the event happened. Everything that has happened to me wound up being a sign for something new to happen.

The meltdown that I had in my last posting led me to find the meaning behind my speech loss. I found the road out of my desperation. I decided to reclaim my voice but in a different way. I gave up my romantic notion that I was going to get my speech back. Now, I know that this will not happen. I can improve what remains but I will never be who I was ...so I decided to be a new me. I am going to learn sign language and then teach children who are hearing impaired. Do you hear me ...loud and clear...it won't matter how I speak, my hands and lips will be the vehicles with which I communicate to the children. I can be a teacher again and feel the glory of impacting on children and enjoy the lovely moments they will share with me.


I know that it will take time to be proficient in signing or all the alternatives to it...but in the meantime I will be spending quality time with children.

A slight bump in my plans has taken place = I cannot find a place to learn signing, baby talk and lip reading. I am still trying but when I contacted the National Association for the Deaf, they wrote back that I...the person who cannot speak easily, should call different religious organizations, colleges, and Centers and inquire if they knew. It seemed strange to me that the NAD would not have that information...am I alone on this? So I wrote back to them and expressed my surprise and yes, shock, that an association dealing primarily with people who have hearing and perhaps speech handicaps would not know this type of information. They have been silent on this issue and to this day, I have never heard from them. God bless the world. AMF

"Chatterbox" and "In My Mind Annie"

This posting may not be one of my bests. I just know that if I don't write and post this now, it will never happen.

You see, I am desperate. I have to tell everyone the truth --- that this speech and mouth thing is really getting to me.

When I was small my father nick-named me "Chatterbox" because from the time I arrived on this planet I have always had something to say. How my parents wished that yelling at me was enough. No, what would happen when they yelled, pleaded or begged was that I would think about their unhappiness and then I would be "Chattering" with them about another topic they wished would go silent.

My mouth may have dictated my profession. I choose to be an elementary school teacher, then Assistant Principal and then Principal in NYC. Oh, the glory of those days. I talked and laughed with the children; read ; dialogued; argued; philosophized; sang, recited poems, rhymes, and jingles. Talking, speaking, chattering = what fun. And besides that I used my mind to attract the talent that lay beneath the surfaces of these great children. But my vehicle was the "spoken/heard word". And I loved it. Maybe teaching was in my soul, a part of my birthright. It was mine and I loved teaching, talking to people, just engaging in life with the beauty and power of the spoken word.

Cancer of the salivary gland made it necessary to have surgery, followed by radiation. Over a period of years, changes have occurred to by face, neck, and speech. About two and a half years ago I found myself literally tongue tied. My tongue had gotten fibroidic. All sounds were made without being able to move my tongue. My friends became my translators and my most comfortable companions. Picture me in Italy, which I went to in May, 2007. Some very interesting moments!

I feel I have been robbed of my chatterbox status and given this persona of "In My Mind Annie". I selected that name for the conversationalist-style that I now have had to develop. Most of my conversation is in my head where I respond ever so intelligently to someone's comment but my verbal response sounds and feels something like " Wow"and " Ah, ah". All that I thought stays in my head and then comes another saved conversation or joke, another song I didn't sing and each day I make a collection. Do you know how many times I say some form of "I have a speech problem. If you cannot understand me, just let me know." Most people have been really helpful and courteous. For this I am truly grateful.

I have been blessed that I have found three talented dentists who have given me the hope of a "Drop Palate." This has given me the sound of someone who might have a hearing impairment. I have two drop palates and I am trying to see what my tongue needs to bounce off the palate so that I make the sound clearer. So what have I really lost? Snappy jokes, some with innuendos; singing with friends and children; teaching children; eating and talking at dinner; group conversations; being heard in a large group; making an important statement to a large group of peers; arguing a point with a department store on the telephone, comfortable telephone calls. Look, my list is long and my sadness deep. I really don't know what to do about this loss. I am hoping for a miracle. Right now I am playing around with Silly Putty to see if I can improve the shape of the "Drop Palate". You see what I am going through,,,who would ever think I would know what a "Drop Palate" was? This specific journey of silence is going to take me to another road where I will find out what this is all about. When I know, I will write about it. God bless us all, AMF