Where did my beauty go?

It has been a long time since I have walked into a room and heads turned in awe. To be perfectly honest...that never happened to me. Although I never thought of myself as a beautiful, pretty or attractive woman, I was told by both men and women that I was attractive. . Somehow, I took that as a compliment and added it to my "they think I am acceptable" bag. However, I knew that it was the clothes that I had picked out, paid a great deal of money for and wore proudly, that made me acceptable to the general population. Now...I know the truth. It was my age. The younger I was the better looking I seemed to be to everyone.

Now, at sixty-five, I wear my clothes with an mature air of sophistication; however, no one notices but me. A very wise woman told me that this happens as a woman gets older. I don't remember hearing this before or maybe I didn't want to believe it. So in one day I did a study. I changed my outfits five times. Wore Mac makeup, applied as I had been shown by the Mac representative and really put a great deal of effort into looking "attractive". But no one noticed and I was invisible even to my partner. But I knew I was here. What to do? What to do? Was I really too old to be beautiful, pretty or attractive?

What had happened was that I bought the hype about a woman's beauty. And now I am returning it for a full refund. I thought that no one noticed me because of the surgery I had for salivary cancer that left my face with an odd shape and an indentation on the left side of my neck. After the surgery, when I looked into the mirror...looking back at me was a stranger. I cried and screamed and begged for my own face back. Everyone assured me that I looked different but fine. That word "fine"...watch out for it! It is a non-committal word meaning "I don't want to tell you the truth".

I no longer had the face that I had taken for granted and what I had was not what I wanted. It took me years to get use to the stranger in the mirror and I blamed myself for the lack of compliments coming my way. I hid myself with clothes that were styled in the Eileen Fisher mode... they hid my body but made me look modern and stylish. I wore big glasses and covered a great deal of my face with a haircut that tended to move forward. I was afraid to go to Sephora for a make-up consultation for fear of the reaction. One day I did go and the result was a great deal of sympathy and an attempt to cosmetically hide what couldn't be hidden...the physical changes to my face.

Today, and I really mean today, I have decided that I had it all wrong. I was allowing the fashion world and the entertainment industry to tell me what is acceptable and what is not. I had cancer five times. I am sixty-five. I was a principal. I am a good friend. I like to read, laugh, dance, do yoga and be kind to animals. I care about the world. I support Senator Obama. I do random acts of kindness. I use shopping bags to support the "Green" movement. I support the ASPCA and Move-On. I donate money to Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. I have a spiritual life. I like to learn. And I trust the world will someday be at peace and accept all of us. Now, this is real beauty as defined by me.

When I looked in the mirror today, I looked into my eyes and I gently told myself what I wanted to hear...you are beautiful and you are a child of God. Be proud of who you are....AMF

The Secret........or is it?

My sister mentioned the book THE SECRET to me. So, off I went to the bookstore and I picked up two copies of it, one for each of us. My sister and I were going on "OUR SISTER TRIP" to a spa where we would be nurtured. We had been there twice before, but this time it was really important for me to get the most for myself. I was having a lung biopsy withing six days and I wanted to feel prepared. I thought that my sister and I could read the book and dialogue with each other about its contents. And that is what we did!

I found that the secret was already known to me but I had ignored it for so long. The secret is simple...what you think about you invite to enter your life, the law of attraction. You see when I am unhappy, I am unhappy. I nurture that unhappiness; I talk to friends about it; I seem to water it until it flowers into a big weed. The more I talk and talk about what is wrong in my life, the more things go wrong in my life. THE LAW OF ATTRACTION.

That has been true since I was a child. That was my mother's milk - she fed me with stories of loss, pain and grief. I never really knew how to free myself of this habit. I carried it with me all my life thinking - believing everyone lived this way. Yes, there were the wise ones who encouraged me to be happy, and to let go of my unhappiness. I just didn't get it...I didn't know what they were talking about or how I would do it. Until now...

The contents in the book THE SECRET were not a surprise to me. Over a twenty year span I had read or heard the messages before but this time something was different. I wanted to stop the pain, I wanted to be happy. So, I started slowly and this is what I did: I made a verbal decision to my sister that I wanted to be happy. I created a visual diagram of how to do it - thought, feeling, action, joy.

I started to closely monitor what I was thinking. Remembering that what I think invites more of the same. I checked my feelings. If I felt good. Great. If I felt badly - I went into action. I had a choice of actions - singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" or "Sunshine On My Shoulders". Or I danced. I took an action that made me feel great and positively overshadowed the negative feeling that was caused by the negative thought. Within seconds I stopped the pain or unhappiness. And what I felt was new to me I HAD CREATED HAPPINESS AND JOY FOR MYSELF.

I didn't wait for a miracle or for someone else to make me happy. I am now home from the spa and I am being tested. I monitor what I am thinking and if something happens to me that causes me to have an unhappy feeling or to be angry, agitated, miserable (you have the idea) I go into action : thoughts monitored, feelings monitored, positive action taken immediately and back to feeling good.

So if someday you see a woman singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" or some other happy song...or dancing down the street...you will know it is me! Happiness and Joy to all of us! AMF

Music and Lyrics

Today did not have a remarkable beginning. My eyes just popped opened at around 6:00 AM. It wasn't my plan to get up so early, but I could not fight my body's desire to accomplish something. I have had the flu for over two weeks, and I haven't gone out of the apartment in days. So, today I was off to the bagel shop and then to the supermarket and then back home. Hopefully, on the journey I would get a chance to breathe in the air and feel the brightness of the sun. It was important that I get home on time because...

On a public television network there was a special on John Denver, so I was looking forward to watching a John Denver Concert. As I waited I thought about how much I loved John Denver's music and I wondered what he had been like. I saw him in concert once, and I felt such a connection with his poetry, lyrics and music. I never knew why I wanted to cry when I heard his music. I just thought that it was "me" being overly-emotional. Unfortunately...

The television show was interspersed with pleas for money...it sort of changed my desire to experience John Denver, uninterrupted. So, I left my apartment and got into my car and turned on the CD player ---where I have five John Denver discs. Here, I would listen to the music alone and without interruption. A few minutes into one of Denver's song, I got that old feeling. It went so far into my body's core. I started to cry and then for the first time I wondered why. Denver's music made me feel that he was singing to me. That his words had been written with me in mind. But, most astoundingly, John Denver's words made me feel loved. I felt that I was special and the song and music made me feel that I had the right to be loved. It had been so long since I felt loved but...

John Denver's music and lyrics have a way of letting us know that we are not alone in anything we do. His words describe journeys we have all been on. The scenery might be different but the experience feels the same. He tells about love, passion and lost love. And somehow we all understand those experiences. Although I have never skied in Aspen, Colorado, when John Denver sings about it, I know I have been there - cutting in and out and jumping moguls with a courage I never knew I had. His mournfulness, his love, his truthful words and his passion about nature reach out to us. He knew pain and suffering and he still wished to "soar like an eagle". The emotional pain that I was feeling about my flu and cancer seemed to get overpowered by John Denver's music and lyrics and sort of dissolved. Therefore...

I invite you to have a wonderful experience - get some John Denver CDs and sit back and enjoy the precious treasure that you are! Or find someone whose music and lyrics you can use to awaken you to life, regardless of what is happening.
Peace and Joy, AMF

Words...

So often I say to myself: "If only I had the chance to say...". There are moments in my life that I did not say what I wanted or needed to say. Other times I didn't ask a question that until now I thought would go unanswered. I have had a lack of closure because of the words I did not speak to my parents, friends and lovers.

But is is too late? I found out with the help of my therapist that these moments can be replayed in my memory and words can be spoken that went unsaid. I close my eyes and picture a time and place and the loved one's manner and the loved one's face. I see the two of us together and it feels so wonderful. We are looking at each other , ready to speak. I will not miss the chance this time.

The conversation can begin right then; the two of us joined in a verbal blend of words, delight and sometimes sorry. But what it gives me is the second, minute and hour to say the words that once did not come. I ask my father why he died when I was five and did he know I needed him then. I ask my mother if she really loved me and did she know that I loved her deeply. I ask a lover why the relationship ended with so much pain and was I ever loved and was I missed. I ask a dear friend why he took his life and didn't he know I would have helped him. I ask another friend who died young, if he knew I treasured him and that I miss him so often.

The list of people and words not spoken can sometimes appear endless...until I realized that once I had the first converstion, the others took less time and effort and some never had to take place. Words, emotions, and thoughts are powerful enough to jump the barriers of death and separation. I brought closure to so many relationships when I was finally honest with myself...I knew the anwer all along to why I had not spoken... I just didn't want to say, "Good-Bye". And sometimes saying good-bye is inevitable. God Bless us all.AMF

Signs...

I have always been a person who believed that everything happens the way it is suppose to! I have not always known why or what the reason was but as time passed--- I did find the reason why the event happened. Everything that has happened to me wound up being a sign for something new to happen.

The meltdown that I had in my last posting led me to find the meaning behind my speech loss. I found the road out of my desperation. I decided to reclaim my voice but in a different way. I gave up my romantic notion that I was going to get my speech back. Now, I know that this will not happen. I can improve what remains but I will never be who I was ...so I decided to be a new me. I am going to learn sign language and then teach children who are hearing impaired. Do you hear me ...loud and clear...it won't matter how I speak, my hands and lips will be the vehicles with which I communicate to the children. I can be a teacher again and feel the glory of impacting on children and enjoy the lovely moments they will share with me.


I know that it will take time to be proficient in signing or all the alternatives to it...but in the meantime I will be spending quality time with children.

A slight bump in my plans has taken place = I cannot find a place to learn signing, baby talk and lip reading. I am still trying but when I contacted the National Association for the Deaf, they wrote back that I...the person who cannot speak easily, should call different religious organizations, colleges, and Centers and inquire if they knew. It seemed strange to me that the NAD would not have that information...am I alone on this? So I wrote back to them and expressed my surprise and yes, shock, that an association dealing primarily with people who have hearing and perhaps speech handicaps would not know this type of information. They have been silent on this issue and to this day, I have never heard from them. God bless the world. AMF

"Chatterbox" and "In My Mind Annie"

This posting may not be one of my bests. I just know that if I don't write and post this now, it will never happen.

You see, I am desperate. I have to tell everyone the truth --- that this speech and mouth thing is really getting to me.

When I was small my father nick-named me "Chatterbox" because from the time I arrived on this planet I have always had something to say. How my parents wished that yelling at me was enough. No, what would happen when they yelled, pleaded or begged was that I would think about their unhappiness and then I would be "Chattering" with them about another topic they wished would go silent.

My mouth may have dictated my profession. I choose to be an elementary school teacher, then Assistant Principal and then Principal in NYC. Oh, the glory of those days. I talked and laughed with the children; read ; dialogued; argued; philosophized; sang, recited poems, rhymes, and jingles. Talking, speaking, chattering = what fun. And besides that I used my mind to attract the talent that lay beneath the surfaces of these great children. But my vehicle was the "spoken/heard word". And I loved it. Maybe teaching was in my soul, a part of my birthright. It was mine and I loved teaching, talking to people, just engaging in life with the beauty and power of the spoken word.

Cancer of the salivary gland made it necessary to have surgery, followed by radiation. Over a period of years, changes have occurred to by face, neck, and speech. About two and a half years ago I found myself literally tongue tied. My tongue had gotten fibroidic. All sounds were made without being able to move my tongue. My friends became my translators and my most comfortable companions. Picture me in Italy, which I went to in May, 2007. Some very interesting moments!

I feel I have been robbed of my chatterbox status and given this persona of "In My Mind Annie". I selected that name for the conversationalist-style that I now have had to develop. Most of my conversation is in my head where I respond ever so intelligently to someone's comment but my verbal response sounds and feels something like " Wow"and " Ah, ah". All that I thought stays in my head and then comes another saved conversation or joke, another song I didn't sing and each day I make a collection. Do you know how many times I say some form of "I have a speech problem. If you cannot understand me, just let me know." Most people have been really helpful and courteous. For this I am truly grateful.

I have been blessed that I have found three talented dentists who have given me the hope of a "Drop Palate." This has given me the sound of someone who might have a hearing impairment. I have two drop palates and I am trying to see what my tongue needs to bounce off the palate so that I make the sound clearer. So what have I really lost? Snappy jokes, some with innuendos; singing with friends and children; teaching children; eating and talking at dinner; group conversations; being heard in a large group; making an important statement to a large group of peers; arguing a point with a department store on the telephone, comfortable telephone calls. Look, my list is long and my sadness deep. I really don't know what to do about this loss. I am hoping for a miracle. Right now I am playing around with Silly Putty to see if I can improve the shape of the "Drop Palate". You see what I am going through,,,who would ever think I would know what a "Drop Palate" was? This specific journey of silence is going to take me to another road where I will find out what this is all about. When I know, I will write about it. God bless us all, AMF

Not everyone lives happily ever after...and that is fine!

Two weeks ago I heard from a friend of mine who I had met about thirty six years ago. When we started teaching, we sort of bonded at the hip. We both loved the children and teaching; we both loved laughing and playing bridge. And we definitely both loved life. We were twenty-eight and we thought that everything would play out the way it did in the best romantic movies --- "And they lived happily ever after." This belief was fully nurtured by the age of our students (seven years old) and the books we read to them that always had happy endings. Who were we as adults to question that our lives would be charmed like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty?

After my friend got married and had her first child, things started to change and I noticed that we were floating apart. She was very involved in her married life and in her roles as wife and mother. My life allowed me to have more freedom and time for myself. I tried to hold on tightly to this friendship and to this person who I loved as a sister but time, distance and circumstance kept separating us until we were no more. I didn't notice at the time that I was working very hard to keep the friendship alive while she was just being herself. One day her telephone calls just stopped. We would not see each other for the next twenty two years.

In 1995 as I was sitting in a cafe in Norwalk, Connecticut, I remembered that my friend had moved to this area. I asked the staff of the cafe for a telephone directory and started hopping from one location to another. Eventually I found her name in Westport, CT. I hesitated about calling her. Who would I find at the other end of the telephone? What did I expect? Eventually, I picked up a telephone and called her. She sounded just the way I remembered. An immediate connection was made and I jumped head first into the friendship.

For the past twelve years I have tried to be a part of her life. It didn't matter if she was a part of mine. I adjusted my life and appointments to fit her schedule. I was so honored that she still wanted to be friends with me. I can actually count the times we got together and believe me it was usually in CT. doing things she wanted. I traveled. I drove. I was interesting. I was involved with her life. And one day this Sleeping Beauty woke up. I was doing all the work and she was just living her life. .

I was notified by the doctor that I had metastatic cancer and I told my friend this. I didn't hear from her for the next six months and then...one day...my telephone rang. She said "Hello" and I almost didn't know who it was. This was a defining moment for me. Was I going to pick up where she left off? This time I opted out and I put my needs first.

Friendship is amorphous. But there has to be substance regardless of how often I see or talk to someone. For me I need to feel loved..and cared about. I do need some contact because with time we can all become strangers. First it was twenty two years... this time six months. I did not ask, "So, how have you been?" Instead I said some parting words and we parted. I felt a loss but also a gain. I found a way to put my needs first. I hope I can use this experiene to strengthen my own self worth. I DESERVE TO BE LOVED. God bless us all. AMF