Can anyone see me?

Dear Anyone:

I was born to a father who could see me as his child , his baby girl, his delight. I was born to a mother who was blind to my needs, my five little fingers, my five little toes, my sparkly eyes, my winsome smile. Unfortunately for me, my father died when I still had not internalized who I was and what I had to offer the world.

So, after my father's death, all my life lessons were taught to me primarily by my mother - who could not see the world clearly. I learned to be blind to who I was also! Looking into a mirror to see what I looked like, I saw who my mother saw. My intelligence, my sense of humor, so much of me had already been written for me by my mother, the author of my childhood emotions, opinions, issues, and self-worth.

My heart cries out for someone to see me; someone to touch the person I am! I want someone to acknowledge that I am so much more than I was told and had come to believe. The reality is that I will not find that someone, that anyone - until I see for myself the person I have become.

At age sixty-five, I have the chance to define myself. I do not need anyone to confirm my beliefs about myself. It is easier now because of my age and the fact that my world belongs to me. I am not watching a time clock. Nor am I raising children or establishing a professional life. I have been blessed by knowing people who really have loved me as I am and that fact gives me the courage to open another chapter in my life and find what has been buried deep. I have been hesitant to introduce the real me to the world. Wish me luck on this new journey. I will let you know who I find. Can anyone see me?

Yes, I, the holder of your soul, spirit and emotions, can see you clearly. Come join me and I will tell you all!
Peace In the World. AMF

I will miss you every Sunday morning...

You knew some of us better than others! But we all knew you. We saw you with different eyes, with different professional and personal lives, with different knowledge bases, with different hearts and spirits. Some of us were members of your family, some were friends and some were admirers. You probably were not a stranger to anyone. And if you were, it was truly a lose for that person.

I found you every Sunday morning in my home. With a touch on my remote control your face appeared before me and for a time we were together. I was taken on a journey where you as the guide helped me to unpack my intelligence and knowledge. My brain opened so that I could unlock my thoughts as I listened to your questions and the answers your guests gave. Moment after moment I travelled with you to different parts of the world as you encouraged the dialogues. I watched the twinkle in your eyes each time you caught your "mouse" and the intensity was there too when you questioned someone about issues that impacted on our humanity and on our freedoms and political systems.

I wish I had known you enough to have given you a hug. Yesterday, you died and you left a vacancy that no one can fill. For once I have found someone who is irreplaceable. I have been mourning today. I move differently and speak softly not wanting to disturb the silence. I need to hold onto you for as long as I can. Goodbye, dear friend. Goodbye, Tim Russert. Peace AMF

Where did my beauty go?

It has been a long time since I have walked into a room and heads turned in awe. To be perfectly honest...that never happened to me. Although I never thought of myself as a beautiful, pretty or attractive woman, I was told by both men and women that I was attractive. . Somehow, I took that as a compliment and added it to my "they think I am acceptable" bag. However, I knew that it was the clothes that I had picked out, paid a great deal of money for and wore proudly, that made me acceptable to the general population. Now...I know the truth. It was my age. The younger I was the better looking I seemed to be to everyone.

Now, at sixty-five, I wear my clothes with an mature air of sophistication; however, no one notices but me. A very wise woman told me that this happens as a woman gets older. I don't remember hearing this before or maybe I didn't want to believe it. So in one day I did a study. I changed my outfits five times. Wore Mac makeup, applied as I had been shown by the Mac representative and really put a great deal of effort into looking "attractive". But no one noticed and I was invisible even to my partner. But I knew I was here. What to do? What to do? Was I really too old to be beautiful, pretty or attractive?

What had happened was that I bought the hype about a woman's beauty. And now I am returning it for a full refund. I thought that no one noticed me because of the surgery I had for salivary cancer that left my face with an odd shape and an indentation on the left side of my neck. After the surgery, when I looked into the mirror...looking back at me was a stranger. I cried and screamed and begged for my own face back. Everyone assured me that I looked different but fine. That word "fine"...watch out for it! It is a non-committal word meaning "I don't want to tell you the truth".

I no longer had the face that I had taken for granted and what I had was not what I wanted. It took me years to get use to the stranger in the mirror and I blamed myself for the lack of compliments coming my way. I hid myself with clothes that were styled in the Eileen Fisher mode... they hid my body but made me look modern and stylish. I wore big glasses and covered a great deal of my face with a haircut that tended to move forward. I was afraid to go to Sephora for a make-up consultation for fear of the reaction. One day I did go and the result was a great deal of sympathy and an attempt to cosmetically hide what couldn't be hidden...the physical changes to my face.

Today, and I really mean today, I have decided that I had it all wrong. I was allowing the fashion world and the entertainment industry to tell me what is acceptable and what is not. I had cancer five times. I am sixty-five. I was a principal. I am a good friend. I like to read, laugh, dance, do yoga and be kind to animals. I care about the world. I support Senator Obama. I do random acts of kindness. I use shopping bags to support the "Green" movement. I support the ASPCA and Move-On. I donate money to Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. I have a spiritual life. I like to learn. And I trust the world will someday be at peace and accept all of us. Now, this is real beauty as defined by me.

When I looked in the mirror today, I looked into my eyes and I gently told myself what I wanted to hear...you are beautiful and you are a child of God. Be proud of who you are....AMF

The Secret........or is it?

My sister mentioned the book THE SECRET to me. So, off I went to the bookstore and I picked up two copies of it, one for each of us. My sister and I were going on "OUR SISTER TRIP" to a spa where we would be nurtured. We had been there twice before, but this time it was really important for me to get the most for myself. I was having a lung biopsy withing six days and I wanted to feel prepared. I thought that my sister and I could read the book and dialogue with each other about its contents. And that is what we did!

I found that the secret was already known to me but I had ignored it for so long. The secret is simple...what you think about you invite to enter your life, the law of attraction. You see when I am unhappy, I am unhappy. I nurture that unhappiness; I talk to friends about it; I seem to water it until it flowers into a big weed. The more I talk and talk about what is wrong in my life, the more things go wrong in my life. THE LAW OF ATTRACTION.

That has been true since I was a child. That was my mother's milk - she fed me with stories of loss, pain and grief. I never really knew how to free myself of this habit. I carried it with me all my life thinking - believing everyone lived this way. Yes, there were the wise ones who encouraged me to be happy, and to let go of my unhappiness. I just didn't get it...I didn't know what they were talking about or how I would do it. Until now...

The contents in the book THE SECRET were not a surprise to me. Over a twenty year span I had read or heard the messages before but this time something was different. I wanted to stop the pain, I wanted to be happy. So, I started slowly and this is what I did: I made a verbal decision to my sister that I wanted to be happy. I created a visual diagram of how to do it - thought, feeling, action, joy.

I started to closely monitor what I was thinking. Remembering that what I think invites more of the same. I checked my feelings. If I felt good. Great. If I felt badly - I went into action. I had a choice of actions - singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" or "Sunshine On My Shoulders". Or I danced. I took an action that made me feel great and positively overshadowed the negative feeling that was caused by the negative thought. Within seconds I stopped the pain or unhappiness. And what I felt was new to me I HAD CREATED HAPPINESS AND JOY FOR MYSELF.

I didn't wait for a miracle or for someone else to make me happy. I am now home from the spa and I am being tested. I monitor what I am thinking and if something happens to me that causes me to have an unhappy feeling or to be angry, agitated, miserable (you have the idea) I go into action : thoughts monitored, feelings monitored, positive action taken immediately and back to feeling good.

So if someday you see a woman singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" or some other happy song...or dancing down the street...you will know it is me! Happiness and Joy to all of us! AMF

Music and Lyrics

Today did not have a remarkable beginning. My eyes just popped opened at around 6:00 AM. It wasn't my plan to get up so early, but I could not fight my body's desire to accomplish something. I have had the flu for over two weeks, and I haven't gone out of the apartment in days. So, today I was off to the bagel shop and then to the supermarket and then back home. Hopefully, on the journey I would get a chance to breathe in the air and feel the brightness of the sun. It was important that I get home on time because...

On a public television network there was a special on John Denver, so I was looking forward to watching a John Denver Concert. As I waited I thought about how much I loved John Denver's music and I wondered what he had been like. I saw him in concert once, and I felt such a connection with his poetry, lyrics and music. I never knew why I wanted to cry when I heard his music. I just thought that it was "me" being overly-emotional. Unfortunately...

The television show was interspersed with pleas for money...it sort of changed my desire to experience John Denver, uninterrupted. So, I left my apartment and got into my car and turned on the CD player ---where I have five John Denver discs. Here, I would listen to the music alone and without interruption. A few minutes into one of Denver's song, I got that old feeling. It went so far into my body's core. I started to cry and then for the first time I wondered why. Denver's music made me feel that he was singing to me. That his words had been written with me in mind. But, most astoundingly, John Denver's words made me feel loved. I felt that I was special and the song and music made me feel that I had the right to be loved. It had been so long since I felt loved but...

John Denver's music and lyrics have a way of letting us know that we are not alone in anything we do. His words describe journeys we have all been on. The scenery might be different but the experience feels the same. He tells about love, passion and lost love. And somehow we all understand those experiences. Although I have never skied in Aspen, Colorado, when John Denver sings about it, I know I have been there - cutting in and out and jumping moguls with a courage I never knew I had. His mournfulness, his love, his truthful words and his passion about nature reach out to us. He knew pain and suffering and he still wished to "soar like an eagle". The emotional pain that I was feeling about my flu and cancer seemed to get overpowered by John Denver's music and lyrics and sort of dissolved. Therefore...

I invite you to have a wonderful experience - get some John Denver CDs and sit back and enjoy the precious treasure that you are! Or find someone whose music and lyrics you can use to awaken you to life, regardless of what is happening.
Peace and Joy, AMF

Words...

So often I say to myself: "If only I had the chance to say...". There are moments in my life that I did not say what I wanted or needed to say. Other times I didn't ask a question that until now I thought would go unanswered. I have had a lack of closure because of the words I did not speak to my parents, friends and lovers.

But is is too late? I found out with the help of my therapist that these moments can be replayed in my memory and words can be spoken that went unsaid. I close my eyes and picture a time and place and the loved one's manner and the loved one's face. I see the two of us together and it feels so wonderful. We are looking at each other , ready to speak. I will not miss the chance this time.

The conversation can begin right then; the two of us joined in a verbal blend of words, delight and sometimes sorry. But what it gives me is the second, minute and hour to say the words that once did not come. I ask my father why he died when I was five and did he know I needed him then. I ask my mother if she really loved me and did she know that I loved her deeply. I ask a lover why the relationship ended with so much pain and was I ever loved and was I missed. I ask a dear friend why he took his life and didn't he know I would have helped him. I ask another friend who died young, if he knew I treasured him and that I miss him so often.

The list of people and words not spoken can sometimes appear endless...until I realized that once I had the first converstion, the others took less time and effort and some never had to take place. Words, emotions, and thoughts are powerful enough to jump the barriers of death and separation. I brought closure to so many relationships when I was finally honest with myself...I knew the anwer all along to why I had not spoken... I just didn't want to say, "Good-Bye". And sometimes saying good-bye is inevitable. God Bless us all.AMF

Signs...

I have always been a person who believed that everything happens the way it is suppose to! I have not always known why or what the reason was but as time passed--- I did find the reason why the event happened. Everything that has happened to me wound up being a sign for something new to happen.

The meltdown that I had in my last posting led me to find the meaning behind my speech loss. I found the road out of my desperation. I decided to reclaim my voice but in a different way. I gave up my romantic notion that I was going to get my speech back. Now, I know that this will not happen. I can improve what remains but I will never be who I was ...so I decided to be a new me. I am going to learn sign language and then teach children who are hearing impaired. Do you hear me ...loud and clear...it won't matter how I speak, my hands and lips will be the vehicles with which I communicate to the children. I can be a teacher again and feel the glory of impacting on children and enjoy the lovely moments they will share with me.


I know that it will take time to be proficient in signing or all the alternatives to it...but in the meantime I will be spending quality time with children.

A slight bump in my plans has taken place = I cannot find a place to learn signing, baby talk and lip reading. I am still trying but when I contacted the National Association for the Deaf, they wrote back that I...the person who cannot speak easily, should call different religious organizations, colleges, and Centers and inquire if they knew. It seemed strange to me that the NAD would not have that information...am I alone on this? So I wrote back to them and expressed my surprise and yes, shock, that an association dealing primarily with people who have hearing and perhaps speech handicaps would not know this type of information. They have been silent on this issue and to this day, I have never heard from them. God bless the world. AMF