Sleep Living

We have all heard of the terms: sleepwalking, living in your own world, being out of it, out there on your own. Well, yesterday, I heard the words "sleep living" in my mind! I felt I was telling myself something and I needed to grab onto these two words and then figure out what they meant to me. So right now, with you and my computer...I will find out.

As I write, I am hoping that the meaning of sleep living will become clear to me. I have had to alter my life since October, 2009 in order to fit in all the medical routines, appointments, and pill taking that are required in order for me to heal. What has worried me is that not one of my wonderful doctors has guaranteed that my mouth will heal and that I will be able to speak better and eat food and drink liquids. What do I do with this ambiguity...I sleep live.

I wake up in the morning, after going to bed very late. Therefore, I guarantee that I am tired and eventually as the week moves on from Monday to Sunday, I am exhausted. In this state of tiredness I live. I take my pills, use the food tube, go to doctors appointments, write, and exist. At this level of functioning I am alert; however, what I have done is I have distanced myself from life by popping in and out of tiredness. Are you following me? I function well. I pay my bills, write to people, handle business matters - all items that are not a threat to me.

Because I haven't wanted to be fully awake to what has been physically happening to me, I have kept myself just awake enough and tired enough to function. Nothing is too bad or too good. Things are just what they are. But let's look at what I have sacrificed!

I do not feel the vitality of life that I so love. My laughter is infrequent and often muffled. I choose to be alone because it takes less effort. And I have to push myself to do things. But since I have uncovered the concept of "sleep living" I can do away with it.

All I need to do is fully look at what is happening to me and just let it be. My therapist frequently tells me I ruminate...of course I debate this with her...you see my form of rumination is sneaky, I think about my illness under the guise of planning what I need to do.

However, to break the hold that sleep living has on me, tonight I am going to bed at 11PM and waking at 8AM. When I wake up I am going to kiss my partner and cats "Good Morning", say a few prayers, listen to Joshua Bell and then jump into the shower and wash away all the pain, doubt and sleepiness.

Tomorrow, I will let you know if I awake from "Sleep Living" and find a more alive me.

God Bless all our efforts...do something kind to someone you do not know. It's fun. Yesterday I gave a bakery worker a tip for being kind to me and attempting to understand me as I ordered. The money was nice but I could see on the young man's face that what touched him most was that I appreciated his actions and sweetness..........................amf