Not everyone lives happily ever after...and that is fine!

Two weeks ago I heard from a friend of mine who I had met about thirty six years ago. When we started teaching, we sort of bonded at the hip. We both loved the children and teaching; we both loved laughing and playing bridge. And we definitely both loved life. We were twenty-eight and we thought that everything would play out the way it did in the best romantic movies --- "And they lived happily ever after." This belief was fully nurtured by the age of our students (seven years old) and the books we read to them that always had happy endings. Who were we as adults to question that our lives would be charmed like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty?

After my friend got married and had her first child, things started to change and I noticed that we were floating apart. She was very involved in her married life and in her roles as wife and mother. My life allowed me to have more freedom and time for myself. I tried to hold on tightly to this friendship and to this person who I loved as a sister but time, distance and circumstance kept separating us until we were no more. I didn't notice at the time that I was working very hard to keep the friendship alive while she was just being herself. One day her telephone calls just stopped. We would not see each other for the next twenty two years.

In 1995 as I was sitting in a cafe in Norwalk, Connecticut, I remembered that my friend had moved to this area. I asked the staff of the cafe for a telephone directory and started hopping from one location to another. Eventually I found her name in Westport, CT. I hesitated about calling her. Who would I find at the other end of the telephone? What did I expect? Eventually, I picked up a telephone and called her. She sounded just the way I remembered. An immediate connection was made and I jumped head first into the friendship.

For the past twelve years I have tried to be a part of her life. It didn't matter if she was a part of mine. I adjusted my life and appointments to fit her schedule. I was so honored that she still wanted to be friends with me. I can actually count the times we got together and believe me it was usually in CT. doing things she wanted. I traveled. I drove. I was interesting. I was involved with her life. And one day this Sleeping Beauty woke up. I was doing all the work and she was just living her life. .

I was notified by the doctor that I had metastatic cancer and I told my friend this. I didn't hear from her for the next six months and then...one day...my telephone rang. She said "Hello" and I almost didn't know who it was. This was a defining moment for me. Was I going to pick up where she left off? This time I opted out and I put my needs first.

Friendship is amorphous. But there has to be substance regardless of how often I see or talk to someone. For me I need to feel loved..and cared about. I do need some contact because with time we can all become strangers. First it was twenty two years... this time six months. I did not ask, "So, how have you been?" Instead I said some parting words and we parted. I felt a loss but also a gain. I found a way to put my needs first. I hope I can use this experiene to strengthen my own self worth. I DESERVE TO BE LOVED. God bless us all. AMF

The Miracle Maker

Yesterday, December 10, 2007, I went for my follow-up visit to MSKCC pulmonary specialist. I had a CT Scan one week ago to determine if the nodules on my lungs had changed sinceSeptember, 2007. In medical vernacular, had grown. Unfortunately, the miracle I had hoped for had not occurred. Out of five nodules, two had grown from three millimeters to five millimeters.

When I asked the doctor what would happen next...we simultaneously answered, "Wait and see." In three months the CT scan would be done again and if any nodule had grown to eight millimeters, a biopsy could be done to see what was going on. This post is not about, "Do I have cancer or don't I?" It is about, "How will I make my miracle happen during the next three months?"

You see, when all of this started on September 11, 2007, I just thought that wanting a miracle was enough. I really didn't do much to cause or welcome one. Now I am ready. In re-thinking the past three months I know that I have changed some of the things I do and my emotional life is getting better. However, I have done little to improve my spiritual life.

I grow spiritually when I dance. I love to belly dance or just move to all types of music. I have even tried Hip-Hop, and I am not too bad. Dancing is so special to me because I leave my body and feel connected with the world as a whole. I feel a pulsation in my body and I believe that I can use this to connect with the Creator. I will use music to move my body and mind to a healthier place, taking along with it my spiritual self. I also love to listen to music and sing along and this joins me with the world of creation. A personal favorite is John Denver. His words and music are so moving to me. You might want to listen to him, sometimes to see if his music and lyrics speak to you.

I also will meditate. This will help me to stop ruminating, something I am working on in therapy, I really didn't know what ruminating was, but I was good at it! I was surprised to find out that I was using past hurtful events to entertain myself. I am going to move past all the negative things in my past and present life and focus on what is positive in my life NOW. This is what really matters. When I meditate I am calmer and more focused on what is good in my life. I am peaceful and prayerful - something I could use. A strong belief in someone or something will help me to open my soul and heart to God.

When I do these two things - dance and meditate for the purpose of healing myself physically, emotionally and spiritually I WILL HAVE made MY MIRACLE and then I will be one of the miracle makers who exist all around us. Haven't you ever felt the effects of these people - the feeling of peace, joy and calm just radiates from them?

The miracle I am seeking is not about the nodules disappearing or the nodules not being malignant - although that would be great. This miracle is about making my life better for myself each and every day I have. By doing this, I will impact on myself, others and the world. I will be creating a purposeful life and living the life I was put on the Earth to have. You see I really believe that all things happen the way they are suppose to happen. God bless us all! AMF

Susan and me and Mom made three...

I have never seen a photograph of my family together - my mother, my father, my sister and me! I never even thought to wonder why. I saw photos of my Mom and my Dad or my Mom and my sister Susan and an endless number of combinations but never the four of us together!

My heart has always felt the pain of being a family of three, not four.
My friends thought that they knew what my tears on Father's Day meant
Cry for the father I barely knew, cry for the emptiness that I always felt
No, I cried my mother who did not know how to make a family of three.

All his pictures were removed, no clothing, jewelry, nothing of his remained
To remind us of the man who once had made us four, my Dad!
Then there were Susan and me and Mom and that made three
Why no photos to show my family? One, two, three, four.

I looked at photos of each of us and yearned for something different
With scissors, papers, glue and a picture frame I bought
I cut each one of us out of photos that I loved
And placed us together in the frame the way I had seen us in my mind

It took some time for the pieces I made to fit together
I now have the picture frame with my family of four
Placed on my dresser for me to view each day
As I pass the "photo of four" I sometimes stop...

I place a kiss on the glass and feel complete... finally. God bless us all! AMF

I Believe In Santa Claus...

Every year when December comes around, I gasp. Do I really have to buy all these gifts for people who have so much? How will I pay the bills when they come in? Is this what Santa Claus meant when he said, "HO, HO, HO"?

This year I tried to close my eyes and remember what the most important thing about the holidays was to me when I was a child. And to my surprise I found out that as a child I was most excited about Santa Claus coming to my apartment. It sort of felt magical- such a big round man getting into my apartment where there was no chimney. I had to suspend reality and believe in magic. I always left him cookies and milk. He wasn't very demanding. I did want presents under my tree...but Santa Claus' visit was the highlight of the holidays for me.

So, this year I have decided to give away things, wonderful things I love, as gifts to people I don't know and a few to friends. I will wrap the gifts and the card will say, "LOVE, Santa Claus". I went through my closet, jewelry box, and drawers and found many great things I haven't worn or used for some time. Why hold on to what I don't need? Everything is in great condition and looks almost new. In some cases the items are new. Consumption at its worst...I never used what I purchased.

Yesterday I went around my apartment building and wherever someone indicated that they celebrated Christmas, I left them a gift. Some got door knob bells; others got decorations added to their wreathes. You may feel this could be intrusive, but remember - the power of magic and surprise. And each person is free to remove their special gift. And for residents who celebrate other holidays, I left cookies, and books. Don't you just wonder what they thought when they got their present?

I feel more childlike and happy helping Santa Claus! Hopefully, people will feel the intense emotions that exist only in childhood when very little is questioned and a lot is enjoyed. I do hope that they were able to get in touch with these emotions. For the first time in years I feel giddy and excited. I am wondering what I will do next. Ho, Ho, Ho! Enjoy the holiday season. God bless us all. AMF

People who can do...people who can't teach!

Well, I am and always was a teacher. From the time I taught my doll how to burb, I knew that I enjoyed this special something that was a part of me. I babysat, was a counselor in camp and the older I got the more positive I was that I would be a great teacher.

I had a wonderful career and what made my life so delightful has been the experiences and memories of my days and nights as a teacher. Whether I was a supervisor or not, I was always a teacher. And I could have done many things but elected to be a teacher.

It is unimaginable that for years I have heard ,"People who can do. People who can't teach." and I laughed as others did. Then one day while I was listening to New York Mayor Bloomberg tell us how well the children/students were doing ---I knew the truth in my heart. Since not much has changed since I retired in 1996 and since I see new teachers drowning under paper work, schools teaching for the tests, and Math being taught without understanding - I questioned whether the Mayor had ever tried teaching! I also wondered if he knew what it meant for the children/students to be doing well! How can our precious children succeed if their teachers are overwhelmed and under supported? Be real, Mr. Mayor.

I was a New York City educator for thirty-two years. And I loved every minute of it. That doesn't mean I didn't have "dog down days" but after I recovered, I knew that I loved my profession. I neither questioned my intellectual ability nor did I think I had become a teacher because I was incapable of doing anything else. I had the responsibility to know the world's Sciences, Historical and Current Events, Arts, Music, Literature, Politics etc. and in addition manage a classroom of children, teach them a love for education while somehow keeping their attention, stay in the syllabus, offer an enriched program, interface with my supervisor, be welcoming to all parents/guardians while being honest, sincere and professional, get along with all school personnel etc. And of course there is the paper work, the endless amount of paper work. Trust me, and I know you will because why would I lie? What I tell you is only about 50% of what all teachers do.

I challenge anyone who says "People who can do, people who can't teach." to take a week, no, two weeks off from his/her job and spend one week as a regular classroom teacher and one week as a substitute teacher doing the job that is described for you - all the planning, all the research, all the paper work, etc. Then write to me at this website and share with me your experience. I promise to be kind, supportive and professional. After all I am an educator/ teacher and I can do anything. Then together maybe we can come up with a descriptive sentence about teachers that recognizes that not only can they do things, but they are the ones who taught you.

Hopefully, there are no spelling or grammatical errors in this article. Oh, what about structure. Just having some fun. God bless us all, AMF

Forty Going on Sixty-three

Background: When I started to work with my therapist, I think it was in 1997, I was fifty-two years old. However, I kept feeling that I had all the time in the world because I was only forty. This age discrepancy was never discussed because I thought that I WAS FORTY OR AT LEAST I FELT LIKE I WAS. So if I believed and knew I was forty, so did my therapist. I saw my therapist as being about twenty years older than I was. The belief that time was an endless commodity kept me locked in this time warp until...

The years have past, but I stood still.
I thought my therapist was over the hill.
She taught me things that parents do
She challenged my beliefs and my emotional chaos.

I felt so great being twenty years younger than she
I knew that I had so much to do and she was wiser, older than me.
To be at peace at forty years old - so that I could mature
And be wise and peaceful at her older age.

The miracle of age and youth are easy to find and confuse
It's time in the present, time left behind, there is no time to lose.
A combination of memories now and then
Have made into me who I am right now

I have been with her for over eleven years
We have shared laughter and lots of tears
She has shared my pain and helped me to move on
I know myself better and can now trust my emotions.

Then one day it happened to me - unplanned and unprepared.
I walk into her office and this time I felt scared
I sat in a chair and looked at her deeply
She looked at me and waited for me to speak.

I had discovered a fact that would surprise her and me
I was not forty years old but rather sixty-three
How did this happen I do not know- where did all those years go?
But somewhere in therapy, I had matured and grown .

With her love and guidance and supporting ways
My endless nights had turned into days
I let go of my childhood traumas
And evolved into a mature woman with a better emotional self.

I spent those years thinking I was younger
Because my life had been filled with life's thunder
But now I feel safe to be my age.
And look who is my companion - but this mature sage!

Thank you, dear therapist and life coach of mine
The time we work together has been challenging and sublime
My time-line is adjusted and I am moving on
And I am blessed with you at my side. God Bless you! AMF

Childhood Dreams, Adult realities

Tooth Fairies, Angels, Easter Bunnies, Santa Claus, Leprechauns. Rainbows with pots of gold, and Happily Ever Afters --- These dreams and many more made up my childhood. I always thought everything would be magical and endings would always be happy. I thought that I had a puffy white cloud that God had selected just for me and that this cloud was in the sky and that this was heaven. I believed that I could jump from cloud to cloud, visiting friends and family. From childhood, to adolescence, to adulthood - these dreams slowly faded away as reality set in for me. Until recently...

Try as I may I could not hold onto my dreams as the harsh realities of life hit me. My father died when I was five and that challenged my belief system for the first time. What was death? and why couldn't I hear him any more? I felt vulnerable and overwhelmed. But I still had my angel, my very own angel. There was something consoling about having this angel to watch over me. I remember that as a child I would talk to my Angel and I always felt protected no matter what was happening in my life. When things were confusing and I felt alone, I imagined my angel sitting on a cloud and talking to God and interceding for me. No matter what the outcome, I thought that God had chosen it for me.

However, I have wanted to hide from adult realities - the painful ones: death, illness, poverty, failure, disappointment, love lost, etc. I could not achieve this adult fantasy! Many friends and loved ones have died and I felt that I never had enough time to say good-bye to them. My health became an issue and I have been involved with doctors and more doctors since 1991.In my address book I have a list of twenty two doctors who I see at one time or another during the year, by necessity not by choice. I think I have learned more than I should have about medical issues and medical terms. And then two years ago I lost my ability to talk fluently. This meant that my belief that I was the life of the party, a political sage , an advise giver and a teacher all melted away from me and broke my heart and I cried out loud and silently.

What I have realized recently is that I can superimpose my childhood dreams on my adult realities and the mixture creates a most delicious blend. When I decided that I didn't have to suffer as an adult and that both my angel and cloud were available to me, I grabbed on and went for the ride of my life.

With the help and support of my therapist and a few friends and many books , I learned that illness was not something that had to occupy my entire life. I realized that happiness was something I created and that the plans and dreams I had as a child could be realized as an adult. And I learned that I could speak in many different ways and in many tones.

I do yoga early in the morning when I am alone and then I meditate. How wonderful. During the day I practice my belly dancing and have found that I have learned a lot and that I enjoy moving my body to music. I write letters, e-mails and my blog. I cannot be silenced, if I want to be heard. I have found a doctor who is making me an appliance to help me speak better and I am helping to design its construction. People in general are very nice if I ask for help without complaining.

I have a wonderful teddy bear that I bought for myself and that I hold when I feel alone. I have a significant other who is learning to be my best friend and I make new friends wherever I go. Volunteering enriches my spirit and I soar higher than I ever imagined when I do random act of kindness. I am creating Adult Dreams and they are powerful because I can make them come true. God bless us all AMF

Dandelion, Dandelion..same old story every time!

September 6. 2007

The thoughts I share with you today are quite different from what I would have previously written. I have attempted to be brave and courageous as I dealt with the different medical tests and findings that have been a part of my life since I first got cancer in 1991. I have felt like a mouse in a maze, looking for the right exit but never finding it. I have had cancer five times over a period of sixteen years, and each time the loneliness and fear in my heart has been masked with the activity that is part of the Cancer process: doctors, tests, diagnosis, doctors, tests, treatment and doctors, tests, prognosis. Somehow it feels like a dance - the steps are known but the music changes.

On Tuesday night September 11, 2007, I received a telephone call at 7:00pm from my Pulmonary doctor. This already was a bad sign since most doctors never call to tell me "good news". So I got a piece of paper and a pen and listened as I was told that I had suspicious nodes in my lungs that might be indicative of metastatic cancer. After putting the telephone receiver back, I slowly started to fall apart like a dandelion in the breeze. I remember crawling into bed and sobbing in disbelief. I felt so blown apart and so alone. Just like a dandelion as it loses its battle with the wind.

Who was going to take care of me? Who was going to hold my hand and travel with me for doctor's appointments? treatments? follow-up tests? My sister has been dealing with her husband's own cancer challenges and my closest friends are dealing with their own family calamities and everyday normal crisis. Alone, so alone I felt...who was going to take care of me? I felt so childlike. Who was going to be my caretaker?

My therapist has been working very hard to get me to acknowledge my strengths. For some reason I had been very reluctant to do that. Finally, I started to think about what was nurturing and supportive about me and what strengths I had. Slowly, I was uncovering my Caretaker. My caretaker was telling me where to look for her and I followed the sound of her soft, loving voice.

This caretaker I sought could not be hired. Nor could she be forced into servitude. She is within me and I have to get to her and convince her that I need her. Since I never knew that each of us has a CARETAKER, I also never knew how to find her and call her into action. This special caretaker would provide me with security and stability. She was going to be my constant friend, lover, parent, cook, spiritual guide. fashion coordinator, medical adviser and any other role that I felt a need for.

I have sometimes heard my caretaker as she warned, "Watch out for that car." as I was driving; and I heard her scream out in pain and anguish when my mother died. She has held me to her and although her arms could not be seen, they were felt by me. This caretaker right now is just showing herself to me and I am learning to lean on her and utilize her gifts.

We seem to believe that a caretaker is someone outside ourselves who is hired to take care of the weak, the ill and the aged. The surprise is that this wonderful caretaker has always been a part of us! The best time to search for and find your caretaker is when you are young. But most of us don't know about this caretaker until much later in life and then the connection is harder to make. We have our caretaker with us from the day we are conceived. It is what gives us the strength to survive the ups and downs and all arounds of life. Each of us has a caretaker with us from the day we land on this planet.

I am still in the process of finding and befriending my caretaker and giving her a name. My therapist, who I trust and love, assures me that I will be successful, and I have every reason to believe her. And for some reason as I search for and find my caretaker a calm is coming over me. Yes, I am still afraid of my new diagnosis but I now know that I am not alone and this is very comforting. God bless us all. AMF

Hello God, this is Me!

I don't practice a specific religion; I find them all wonderful and they all seem to lead to You, God. The one thing I don't get is why I am having Cancer over and over again. Since I do believe in You and I do try to live a spiritual life, I just assumed that You would be watching out for me. When my father died of colon Cancer at the young age of 37, his name was Jim - remember him?, I was sure that You would take his pain and suffering as a "savings account" for me.

Therefore, from the age of five, I walked around pretty confident that I would never get Cancer. However, I was really wrong! My challenges started in 1991 and here it is 2007 and I have now gotten two different breast cancers, salivary cancer, and metastatic salivary cancer in my iliac bone. I have learned words that I never knew before in order to make my way through the trapazoid of the Hospital and its doctors. In case you forgot , the first time I had Cancer, I made seven consultations just to make sure that the doctor had gotten it right. You can never be too sure. I remember being asked "What would I like to do - have a mastectomy or a lumpectomy." My answer was "Neither, Thank You!"

Why was the doctor asking me? I was a Principal in the New York City school system. Ask how I think a school should attend to the safety, emotional and educational needs of the students, then I would have a great deal to say. But Mastectomy? Lumpectomy?

Well, yesterday, I finished a series of tests to determine what is causing the pain and swelling in my left hip. For the first time since 1991 I thought about dying. I wondered how much my body and mind could take. Friends have come and gone, unable to deal with a person with major health challenges. It appears You forgot to tell some people that they should help the less fortunate, not lecture them or give them pep talks about being brave and courageous. That comes with time and experience.

When the effects of the radiation started to impact on my mouth and speech, I lost a fluency of the English language that I loved. But You compensated me at birth with the gifts of sight and sound and I learned to write as I was growing up. I am discovering that I am not really cursed. or doomed. I have been booked on a journey, not of my choosing, that takes me places that most people will never go.

So, God, I bet You thought I was angry at You. NEVER! Well, I am not thrilled but I do know that I have been blessed by You with a life that has weeded out the faint of heart and that has given me the chance to offer help and support to others so that someone can help them on their cancer trip.

God bless us all, AMF

Welcome to My World !

There is so much that I have learned since the first time I heard the words, "You have Cancer." It seemed as if I was being given a present instead of a diagnosis. The doctor was casual about the procedure and the treatment. I stood in his office hallway. Hallway, you may gasp! Yes, that is where I got the news in 1991. As I was struggling for my breath and about to pass out...I suggested that we go into his office. He threw at me words and surgical terms I had never heard of. My brain shut down as he said that the surgery would require the removal of my right breast. I objected to that, and what woman or man wouldn't and asked if there was another alternative. Finally, I realized that I should read Susan Loves's book about breasts and also make some appointments with other doctors for second opinions. I set up seven second opinions...I wanted to make sure that I left no door unopened. But it only took a visit to Memorial Sloan Kettering and to a wonderful doctor who actually thought that I should sit in an office and talk about this cancer thing. So there we sat and he explained what I had...he suggested that I write notes and then he asked me the most wonderful question, "Is there anything that I can do for you to help you through this?" It was then I knew that having cancer was going to be a journey of some kind, an opportunity to learn about myself and other people and to make decisions and choices that would be the best ones for me. Since that day I have had cancer four more times and I have been on a spiritual journey, learning about life, people and myself. I have felt alone sometimes. Only someone who has had cancer can truly understand how it effects us. I hope that my sharing now and in the future will help you as well as me. God bless us all............Amf