Landslide over me...

I have an I-Pad and I am exploring it. So, one aspect is purchasing my favorite music and songs and creating a concert for me. One song done by Stevie Nicks....Landslide...got inside of me. I hum the tune as I am learning the words.

I do feel that I was standing tall, just about coping with all the aspects of having a chronic illness. I could feel the sun; I could see the birds and hear them chirping. I laughed and I could create laughter. I had people around me. People who wanted to be with me and do things with me. Life had its problems but it seemed that I was able to cope.

Then there was a LANDSLIDE of health problems and they poured all over me and slowly I sunk beneath the earth. I was deaf to sounds. Laughter was now a stranger. People looked so distant, afraid to ask, "How are you doing?" I am an emotional person and the answer would have been emotional and teary. During that time of the Landslide my left hip fractured. I developed an major, life threatening infection in my mouth. I was in the hospital three times. I lost the ability to eat food through my mouth because the infection created a fistula and , and , This is the hardest part....day by day I slowly lost my ability to speak clearly.

This limited so much of my life......no more telephone calls to friends in Brazil. No more chats with friends, talking about nothing but laughing about everything. I am under the landslide. I have no thoughts of crawling out and that is because for the first time in my life I do not have me to take care of myself. Without speech, I am deaf to life and unable to call out for help. I am unable to do so much for myself. I have to ask people to make telephone calls for me...and not everyone is happy about being someone's puppet.

This landslide holds me down. I built my life around things that were comfortable and familiar and now without them, this landslide holds me down.
God bless us all. AMF

Six Seconds...

Six seconds...in that time two young Marines were killed ; however, their courage and bravery saved their fellow Marines from being blown up by terrorists. During those six seconds don't you wonder if they had any thoughts? Were they action driven? Did someone guide their hands with the guns and help them blow up the terrorists' truck?

You might be wondering why I am writing about Marines on this blog. It is the six seconds that got to me. Look what two people can accomplish in six seconds - these Marines saved over twenty soldiers, twenty men and women from death. And at the same time during those six seconds a truckload of terrorists were blown up and our defending Marines die a Hero's Death. I am not someone who supports war, death, killing but rather I am commenting on the two marines and their last six seconds of precious life.

Six seconds ...what have I been doing with all my six seconds. I do not think that I have done anything as monumental as the young Marines. I have slowly been bouncing back and forth and back and forth from a series of health crisis starting in October 2009 and continuting up until now. What I am left with is a healed hip, but I am still in Physical Rehab. A fistula (hole) on my neck that makes it impossible for me to eat or drink and a food tube which is the substitue. And my facility with language is almost gone because an infection destroyed my mouth. That's the one that blows me up! I have so many words in my head, so many unspoken stories and unasked questions, so many jokes.

I got a I-Pad from Santa and it has a program on it called "Speak-It" and I use the keyboard and the program provides me with a selection of voices...I choice "Heather" and whatever I write is spoken. I am practicing for the day, if it comes , when I cannot talk. That will be my first six seconds. I will have to act bravely as I pick up my I-Pad and start to use it because I have to. The first six seconds when the I-Pad is a necessity.

I spend a lot of time trying to figure out where all my close friends have gone...In six seconds I did...I didn't like the reality but here it is: "They are living their own lives and being there for me when they want to be." I wonder if anyone but me really knows what each day feels like. I hear myself saying that if I could help someone who had all these problems I would....I would find out what they needed and in my six seconds I would do a great deed...help someone I care about.

Six seconds, such a short amount of time, but time during which a Marine unit was saved and time that I can use to help myself and time others can use to help me. 6-5-4-3-2-1 Six seconds.

I will be writing more frequently and I am glad I did this writing tonight....it is a start. Remember to do things because they make you feel good. Smile and laugh at least once a day. AMF